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“You complete me…” is an extremely common sentiment shared by people in relationships…
In fact, the idea that a man and a woman “complete” each other when we get married or commit to each other is so common that it’s embedded in our music, movies, and even some religious ceremonies…
However, this idea is part of the PROBLEM that people have when it comes to building healthy, satisfying romantic relationships (and maintaining attraction long-term).
Mostly because it’s not true. =)
Can a woman COMPLETE you?
The truth is this:
1. You’re already whole and complete exactly as you are right now whether any particular woman is with you or not.
You are a complete being all on your own.
Nothing is missing.
2. No woman can possibly “complete” you even if she wanted to.
And, no woman can make you happy no matter how awesome she is or how much she wants to.
3. A healthy, satisfying, functional relationship involves THREE separate beings:
A. You
B. Her
C. Your relationship with her.
Each of you is whole and complete on your own…
Then, you create something NEW together that both of you put energy into.
You don’t just “enmesh” into one person with two heads.
Two do NOT become one…they become three.
Why am I bringing this up?
Because our culture promotes the poisonous idea that we complete each other and it makes it harder for us to have good relationships.
And because lots of guys are looking for a woman to make them happy when that’s not actually possible. <==This causes all sorts of problems for men AND the women they date…
[RELATED ARTICLE FROM THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE: Attachment vs. Love: What is the Real Difference?]
These things also make it harder for you to attract a woman who’s really a good fit for you.
So, if a woman can’t complete you or make you happy, what’s a better approach to dating and relationships?
How can we get the things we might be seeking from women that they can’t give to us?
What is the value of a relationship if it’s not happiness/self-completion?
A healthier, more successful approach…
Great questions…
Here’s a better approach to dating and relationships than seeking happiness and completion:
1. Make yourself feel good…
If you want to be happy, you can increase your permanent, long-term happiness levels by practicing gratitude AND going after your deepest genuine desires at the same time.
A woman can’t make you happy, but she can ADD to your happiness (if she’s a good fit for you, she can add a lot).
And, if you can make yourself happier in general, you become more naturally attractive (to women, business partners, etc.) as well…
People want to know your “secret” because most people pursue external things to try to “get” happiness (career goals, relationship goals, possessions, etc.) when the truth is that nothing can make you happy except for you.
You have to create it for yourself.
Otherwise, you’re just waiting around for something good to happen that you have little or no control over or anxiously striving for some goal so that you can finally feel good (for a minute) and then go right back to waiting for/striving for the next thing you think will make you happy. <==Not a very effective strategy…yet, an extremely common one.
2. Take care of yourself at a high level…
Eat healthy food…
Work out…
Get good sleep…
Etc.
The ability to meet your own adult needs and wants for the most part along with the ability to ask others to help you meet those needs and wants when it’s appropriate is what makes you a functional adult.
And, when you take good care of yourself, you’re also able to attract a lover who can take care of herself for the most part as well…
Here’s why that’s important: You can create a good relationship much more easily with a woman who takes good care of herself (a self-reliant woman) also because both of you have energy left over to put into the relationship without needing to get back anything in return (too much taking care of a romantic partner leads to RESENTMENT over time – the silent killer of relationships).
Remember: She can make you soup and wait on you when you’re sick…
After that go back to taking care of yourself for the most part.
3. Do things you genuinely enjoy on a regular basis whether any particular woman wants you or not…
If you love your life regardless of your relationship status, it’s a lot easier to attract women and to build a satisfying, healthy relationship when you meet a good one.
And, you don’t feel as needy towards women because you’re actively living a life you enjoy.
Plus, you meet more women who might be a good fit for you when you’re doing things you love and you’re more naturally attractive to them than if you’re doing things just to meet women.
4. Create your own meaning.
Do things that make you feel a deep sense of FULFILLMENT.
Only you can make yourself feel fulfilled and only you can discover what those things are for you.
If you’re already happy, whole, and complete, you take great care of yourself, and you enjoy your life for the most part, you learn the specific things that are required to attract a woman who’s a good fit for you, make her fall in love with you, and keep her in love with you, and both of you work together to create something new that’s separate from each of you, that’s the best we can do in this life in terms of having a long-term relationship with a woman.
And it all starts with YOU…
So do at least one thing today that makes you feel good…
Then, make it a habit to do things that make you feel good (long-term)…
Then, share the good emotions that you CREATE FOR YOURSELF with the world, especially the women you date.
Remember: The less you NEED happiness, love, and/or sex from women, the more happiness, love, and sex you get from women.
So, look for opportunities to share happiness, love, and sex instead of trying to get those things.
Become a provider of good feelings instead of a seeker.
That’s what being “naturally attractive” means:
Taking great care of yourself FIRST and then spreading good emotions…
Making yourself happy and fulfilled and then relating to people (women) from that place.
If you combine this mindset and lifestyle with specific dating and relationship advice that works, you’ll get everything you want with women and more.
And remember: Wherever you go, there you are. If you feel miserable inside right now, you’ll eventually feel just as miserable sitting on the couch with your dream woman 2 years from now.
So figure out how to make yourself feel (genuinely) good, deal with any issues that are holding you back, and then go find a woman who can ADD to your happiness.
You’re awesome exactly as you are now…so let’s just start building from here.
Cheers,
Jim
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