The word “codependent” gets thrown a lot these days…
Usually, it comes up when people make comments about someone or talk about someone else’s relationship.
However, very few people know what being codependent actually means…
So, in this article, I’ll cover one excellent definition of what it really means to be codependent in detail and link up some resources that can help us start the process of learning healthier patterns of relating to ourselves and others if you’re interested.
Now, before we get into what it means to be codependent, let’s talk about a few things to set the stage:
First of all, I think the way our culture views relationships is flawed…
The current paradigm is this:
-A happy, healthy relationship is ideal.
-Being (and staying) in a relationship is good.
-Being single is HORRIBLE (who’s going to wipe your chin when you’re old??!!).
Here’s what I think:
-A happy, healthy, functional relationship is ideal (or building quality connections in general if you don’t want a relationship).
-Being single is MUCH BETTER than being in a bad relationship…
I think we should reverse the value of being single and put it above being in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, unhappy relationship because I think it really is better.
Being single is actually a move UP the scale if you’re not in a satisfying, healthy relationship…
(What MGTOW gets wrong is that a happy, healthy, functional relationship is also a move UP the scale and it IS possible).
So, I don’t care about the divorce rate as much as I used to because I don’t think staying in a bad relationship is a good thing for anyone.
What I care about more than the divorce rate is this:
Only 10-30% of relationships are happy, healthy, and functional…
And that means that 70-90% of relationships are NOT happy, healthy, and functional right now (based on the academic research I’ve seen).
Why is it so difficult to create a good relationship?
Probably because having a good relationship is NOT a requirement to reproduce…
It simply isn’t necessary for life to carry on.
Also, if most people are NOT in a good relationship, that means that role models are scarce and the ideas about how we should create a relationship floating around in society aren’t helpful either.
So, I want to do what I can to help move the percentage of good relationships up to 40%.
Because, ultimately, what I care about is RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION.
I want you to be able to create a relationship (or multiple connections) that make you and your partner(s) as happy as possible…
Otherwise, it’s not worth the effort.
Now, in order to have a happy, healthy, functional, SATISFYING relationship, you have to attract a woman in the first place.
And, the NUMBER ONE factor that determines how good your relationship with a woman can be is how interested SHE is in YOU.
If a woman loses interest in you, there’s NOTHING you can do to create a good relationship with her even if she’s a great person and you’ve been with her for YEARS.
That’s one thing most relationship experts don’t know or willfully ignore when it comes to romantic relationships.
When a woman is truly, deeply in love with you, she treats you better and both of you are happier.
And I teach you exactly how to do that inside the Attract and Keep Her system…
And then, on top of female interest, there are lots of other things you can do to make your relationships healthier, happier, and more satisfying.
And the first thing you can do is create a better relationship with YOURSELF:
Are you codependent?
Being codependent means that you have a damaged relationship with yourself (according to codependency expert Pia Mellody).
Here are the five core symptoms of codependence, according to Pia Mellody:
1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem (difficulty loving the self).
2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people (difficulty protecting one’s self).
3. Difficulty owning one’s reality appropriately (difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others).
4. Difficulty addressing independently one’s adult needs and wants (difficulty with self-care).
5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing one’s reality in moderation (difficulty being appropriate for one’s age and various circumstances).
(Source: Paraphrased from Facing Love Addiction* pg. 4)
And, one more clear sign that you might be codependent is if you ever think, “If only person X would X, then I would be happy.”
If you need other people to be different or you need REALITY to be different in order to be happy, you might be codependent (and you’re in for a lot of unnecessary suffering).
Now, if you’re thinking, “Wow! I can relate to all 5!” you’re in good company…
In fact, when I first read one of Pia Mellody’s books about ten years ago it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m codependent.
No question about it.
And here’s the thing: If you’re codependent, it’s very likely that most of the people around you also suffer from this condition.
Usually, parents’ codependent thought and behavior patterns get passed on to their children (and they got them from their parents, so the “cycle” just keeps repeating itself).
Now, none of us want to pass these thought and behavior patterns on to future generations, and none of us want to keep suffering from them, but we WILL unless we become aware of them and heal ourselves.
So, when I learned that I was codependent, I decided that I would do everything in my power to break the cycle.
I spent five years just working on recovery from codependence and I still work on it every single day.
Has it been painful?
Hell yes.
Has it been worth it?
1000%.
I wouldn’t be here writing this article right now if I didn’t go through this process.
I’d probably be doing something I HATE for a living instead of something that I enjoy and that’s meaningful to me.
And I wouldn’t feel good inside every single day instead of always feeling tension in my stomach and always feeling that something is MISSING or that something’s wrong with me and not knowing what it is…
So, if you identify with the core symptoms of codependence and you want to learn more about it and start down the path of breaking the cycle yourself, I recommend starting here:
Facing Codependence* by Pia Mellody…
And, if you want to discover how these patterns can play out inside of a relationship and how two people who want to can actually help each other heal and create a “conscious partnership,” check out:
Getting the Love You Want* by Dr. Harville Hendrix…
Lastly, if you’re interested in the most important things I learned on my journey of recovery, check out my book (the very first book I published back in 2015):
I’ll leave you with this:
1. The fact that 10-30% of relationships ARE happy, healthy, and functional means that it IS possible for human beings to have good relationships.
Human beings are doing it; so, it’s possible for you as well.
2. If your parents didn’t have the best relationship or you’ve suffered from some kind of trauma, that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to creating unhealthy relationships for the rest of your life.
You can LEARN to create healthy relationships, starting with yourself.
And that’s backed up by research.
3. The better you treat yourself, the better you treat everyone else.
Start to see the world for what it is: A MIRROR…
When you treat yourself a certain way, you’re doing it to the world.
And, when you treat the world a certain way, you’re doing it to yourself.
So, from this point forward, strive to be CONSISTENT in the way you treat yourself, everyone else, and the world around you.
And, of course, strive to be CONSISTENTLY awesome in the way you treat yourself and the world.
Celebrate the success of others…
GIVE validation instead of seeking it…
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you care about…
Accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment (nope, there’s actually nothing fundamentally “wrong” with you…) and then just keep getting a little bit better every day and you’ll be most of the way there.
If you think YOU are “good enough” even though you’re not perfect, you’ll be able to think a woman is good enough for you even though she’ll never be perfect as well. And that’s the starting point for a good relationship.
And, not only is accepting yourself good for you in general, it also makes you much more naturally attractive to women when you walk around with this attitude…they can sense it from across the room.
Remember: You’re awesome just because you exist.
And, you are whole, complete, and perfectly imperfect exactly as you are in this moment.
Start from there and see how far you can take it.
All the Best,
Jim
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