Right now there are basically two schools of thought when it comes to attracting women:
1. The “do whatever it takes to attract women” school that has no problem with you lying to a woman so that she’ll hook up with you.
For example, you could pretend to be a Hollywood agent, pretend to be a foreigner by faking an accent, run some kind of “routine” using a pre-determined conversation that some other guy came up with, or pretend to be someone you’re not in whatever way might help you attract a woman.
2. The “attract women through honesty” school (like Mark Manson’s book for example) that’s a reaction to a lot of that manipulative “PUA” stuff that was going around before.
This way of thinking basically says that you should be honest with women and filter them in or out quickly by being “vulnerable” and sharing what you want and how you feel.
So, where do I fall in this “debate?”
Should you be honest with a woman you’re dating or should you do “whatever it takes” to “get her” from my perspective?
Great question.
Here’s my take:
How HONEST should you be on a date with a woman?
First of all, let me get this out of the way immediately:
I think you should be 100% honest with women.
I don’t think you need to pretend to be someone you’re not to attract women.
And I think it BACKFIRES on you every time if you want to have an actual relationship with a woman.
So, I think being “fake” is manipulative, low-value behavior that isn’t effective over the long-term.
On the other hand, there’s a HUGE difference between being honest and being open…
And this difference can make or break you when it comes to attracting the right woman for you.
So, let’s get into it:
OPEN vs. HONEST
While I think you should always be honest, it’s not a good idea to be extremely OPEN with a woman on your first several dates with her.
And what does that mean?
Well, let’s break it down so you can apply it the next time you’re talking to a woman…
The first thing to keep in mind about this is this:
A woman goes out with you mostly so she can get to know you better. <==Read 3X…
She wants to find out if you have the qualities she’s looking for (assuming she’s attracted to you to begin with).
And she likes to take her time to figure you out…
Because she understands that it takes time and that she needs to see how you act and react to various situations before she makes up her mind about you.
She expects to get to know you slowly over time and she enjoys that process.
It’s part of her increasing attraction to you: Slowly getting to know you better than other people know you as you continue to let her into your world more and more as she earns it by treating you well and being a cool person.
She wants to find out things about you that you don’t just go around telling everyone all the time…
She wants to feel like you’re sharing parts of yourself with her that aren’t easily obtained…
And if you give all of it away for free it must not be valuable.
If you share everything about yourself with her on the first date, that means that she’s not special because everything about you is available to everyone anytime.
You don’t have an exclusive inner circle of people that you value and trust more than others that she can strive to get into.
And it means that getting to know you is easy, cheap, and boring.
So, if you tell her EVERYTHING about yourself on the first date, why would she go out with you again? <==Ask yourself this question until it “clicks.”
Plus, she’s been told her whole life that men will say anything to “get her” so why would she believe all the awesome stuff you tell her about yourself anyway?
Listen, when you tell her about yourself on the first date, tell her a little bit about yourself and be honest with what you tell her.
Just don’t tell her too much.
Instead, ask her to share as much as possible about HERself. <==This builds a much stronger connection with her and makes her much more attracted to you than telling her all about yourself does. And it’s less work because you don’t have to always be thinking about what to say next. =)
You want to spoon-feed yourself to her over the course of 6-9 dates, not tell her everything on the first date.
That way, she’ll keep coming back for more.
Make sense?
Awesome.
Let her enjoy the process of getting to know you over time so she has the chance to fall in love with you.
And, when you do tell her about yourself, focus mostly on the POSITIVE.
This is another huge aspect of being honest yet not necessarily open.
Listen, we all have negative and positive things that we can talk about when we tell a woman about ourselves and our lives.
The guys who talk about mostly positives are the ones who are the most successful with women.
And the ones who attract the women with the best attitudes because positive people are attracted to each other.
Here’s the thing: There’s no rule that says you have to tell her all about your past failures, insecurities, problems, and issues. <==Read 3X…
You’re not obligated to tell her about the time you stole a pencil from the supply closet back in 4th grade.
And these kinds of negative, heavy, serious revelations NEVER raise her interest level while they most certainly can lower it.
So why shoot yourself in the foot?
Leave the past in the past and move FORWARD with her.
And here’s the thing: Once a woman falls deeply in love with you, then she might accept some of those “negatives” more easily.
So you can be a little more OPEN with her over a long period of time.
There’s a big difference between being honest about an insecurity you have after dating a woman for six months and telling her about all of your insecurities and problems on the first date.
And let’s take this even further to really illustrate the difference between OPEN and HONEST…
If you’re nervous to approach a woman because she’s gorgeous, it’s 100% okay for you to tell her that when you start talking to her:
“Hey, I’m a little nervous but I just had to come talk to you.”
Here’s the key: After you say this ONCE, don’t dwell on it.
Don’t mention it again.
Move on to LIGHT, PLAYFUL, FUN conversation topics.
Be HONEST, but keep it LIGHT and PLAYFUL and don’t be so OPEN.
Here’s another example:
If a woman says, “Is that your pickup line or something?”
You can be HONEST: “Absolutely. Is it working?”
Or, “Yep! Cheesy, I know, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say haha.”
And then move the conversation forward.
Don’t say anything more about it.
And here’s one last example of how this plays out in real life:
Let’s say you’re having coffee on your first date with a gorgeous woman…
And she asks you an “interview” question:
“Hey, so what do you do for work?”
You should give a playful answer FIRST, almost every time.
Like, “I’m not sure if I should tell you this…but I’m actually a Ninja. It’s not like the movies though – no glamour in it at all. Just a lot of sneaking around in a black outfit at night. It’s honestly boring most of the time.”
Then, if she laughs and then says, “No really, what do you do haha?”
THEN you can say, “I’m an accountant. Super exciting, I know haha.”
And then move the conversation in a light and playful direction.
Maybe ask her an open-ended question and let her talk for a few minutes after that.
Now, why should you reply with a silly answer BEFORE you share a real one (this is NOT being dishonest, btw, it’s being less OPEN)?
Because you want her to have to work for information about you a little bit. <==This is a BIG part of what keeps her interested in you.
See, women LOVE to play detective and “figure you out.”
And, when you tell a woman all about yourself easily and without making her work for it a little bit, you take all the fun out of it for her.
Men think that being romantic means fancy dinners, flowers, poems, gifts, and chocolate.
What being romantic really means is being a CHALLENGE and making her work to get you a little bit. <==When you understand this at a deep level, you understand women.
Remember: She ENJOYS trying to figure you out.
(Unless she has a bad attitude; if that’s the case we don’t want to be with her anyway).
So don’t let all of the wine out of the bottle on the first date.
Be HONEST but don’t be so OPEN.
Alright, two more things about this topic and then we’re done for now:
1. Not being OPEN also means avoiding talking about the following topics for the most part:
Religion
Sex
Politics
Your Insecurities
Your issues and problems <==Deal with these on your own time.
YOUR FEELINGS FOR HER <==This is one of the most important areas to be less OPEN while being honest – don’t tell her you like her; show her how you feel by attracting her properly and don’t say anything about it at all unless she asks you directly.
And, even then, keep it light and playful when you’re being honest with her.
So, if she says, “How much do you like me?”
You say, “Almost as much as you like me” and smile at her playfully.
Keep it LIGHT and PLAYFUL on your first 6-9 dates.
And be HONEST but don’t be so OPEN.
Because it makes all the difference in the world.
OWN your interest in her and don’t try to deny it; just don’t tell her about it with your mouth.
Show her that you like her by attracting her properly and giving her the awesome experience of falling in love with an amazing guy.
2. How does this play into “compatibility?”
Listen, there’s this idea out there that you should be extremely honest with a woman in the early stages of dating to strongly filter IN women who are “compatible” with you and filter OUT the ones who aren’t as quickly and as powerfully as possible.
Well, here’s what I think about that:
A. First of all, this tactic works the best if you’re talking about short-term hookups.
If you’re just looking for women who will hook up with you quickly, you should absolutely filter them in or out quickly based on that criteria.
B. On the other hand, if you want a long-term relationship, keep this in mind:
“Compatibility” is overrated…
The female qualities that will allow you to be happy with a woman long-term are not necessarily the ones you think you want.
And sharing interests with a woman is extremely low on that list.
Just because you both love surfing and yoga doesn’t mean she’s a good choice for you and that you’ll be satisfied with her long-term.
In fact, those kinds of things have very little to do with your happiness in a relationship.
Here’s the list of the female qualities that make a woman a good choice for you by the way:
For you to be happy with a woman long-term, she MUST be truly interested in you (not your cash or have some other agenda), she MUST have a flexible attitude vs. being stubborn/hard-headed, and she MUST be a giver vs. a taker/selfish.
She MUST also be loyal, have integrity, take good care of herself, and have the ability to trust you.
THEN having shared values is the next most important thing.
Having shared interests comes AFTER all of that.
And you can’t really know if she has all of these qualities after one or two dates.
You have to get to know her over a longer period of time.
And you can’t just ask her if she has them; you have to find out by seeing how she acts.
So, you can look for these qualities and filter her OUT as soon as you know she doesn’t have them, but it takes quite a bit of time to make sure she does have them before you decide to commit to her and/or marry her.
And getting really heavy and deep about what you want in a conversation with her on the first date doesn’t help you with this process at all because you have to wait and see how she acts over time.
It just risks pushing a good woman away for no good reason.
Now, you can ask her some questions that allow you to indirectly start to find out if she has these qualities…
For example, you can say something like, “You know what, you seem like a really fun person to hang out with. Question for you though: I only spend time with people I can trust. Would you say you’re a trustworthy person and can you give me an example?”
Now, if you say something like that on a first or second date, it can be a good thing.
Just make sure you don’t ask too many questions like that or do it with a judgmental attitude.
If you ask one question like that in a genuinely curious way it can actually increase her attraction for you while giving you a small indication of her character.
However, you can’t get the full picture on the first couple of dates.
It takes time to see if she has the qualities that make a good partner.
Now, you might be thinking, “Okay, but what about important things like wanting kids or not?”
Well, yes, as I said, shared values are important…
However, there’s one critical factor that gets overlooked if you would filter a woman out about something like that after one date:
If a woman falls deeply in love with you, all of a sudden her values generally start to shift in your direction.
So, maybe a woman thinks she doesn’t want kids on the first date…
Then, after a few dates, she falls deeply in love with you because you do everything right with her (including being honest but not so open)…
At that point, there’s a good possibility that she will start wanting to have children with you.
Because she’s in love with you.
It’s amazing what high female interest can do.
Now listen, if having kids is super important to you, there’s nothing wrong with bringing it up on the first date and filtering a woman out if she says doesn’t want kids…
If that’s the most important thing in the world to you, maybe you should do that.
I’m just saying that female interest level is extremely powerful: Women have left their religions, their countries, their families, and everything else behind because they fell in love with a man.
And, if she has a flexible attitude, a woman who’s a democrat can fall deeply in love and stay in love with a man who’s a republican (or vice versa).
So looking for a giving woman with a flexible attitude is MUCH more important than looking for a woman who’s “compatible” with you when it comes to your long-term happiness.
Make sense?
Excellent.
C. Serious, heavy, “deep” conversations DO NOT make a woman more interested in you and can definitely lower her interest in you.
And all we’re doing in the early stages of dating is raising her interest in you. <==This is the key.
So, when it comes to the first 6-9 dates with a woman, always remember:
Be 100% HONEST with her; just keep it LIGHT and PLAYFUL and don’t be so OPEN.
And it’s cool to be yourself; just DON’T REVEAL everything about yourself to her all at once.
Spoon-feed yourself to her in small doses and keep her wanting more so she can fall in love with you instead of losing interest.
Until Next Time,
Jim
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