Let’s jump right into this one…
I got the following email from a client a few days ago:
“I have a question Jim,
You and other people in the dating & pick up community teach the importance of being playful, fun and being able to tease a girl…
I’ve noticed that if you are too playful girls can maybe become too comfortable and then eventually disrespectful with the attraction dropping.
There’s a dating coach who talks about the importance of keeping a masculine frame at all times and discourages guys from being playful and goofy.
What do you think?
Thanks!
-G.S.”
First of all, great question…
If you’ve been around here for a long time, then you know how often I talk about keeping your dates LIGHT and PLAYFUL.
I think it’s absolutely critical to your success with women.
So, what’s my response to G.S.’s excellent question?
How PLAYFUL should you be on a date with a woman?
Well, let’s start by talking about the main reason why I talk about keeping things light and playful in the first place:
Almost all men get way too serious way too soon.
Especially if they have very high interest in a woman.
And it makes a woman who was interested in a man run for the hills.
So, we must remind ourselves to let things play out more naturally over time instead of rushing into rejection.
And now let’s talk about what keeping things light and playful actually means vs. what it doesn’t:
What keeping things light and playful on a date means:
-Avoiding talking about heavy subjects like politics, religion, sex, etc…
-Not telling her how you feel about her (way too heavy)…
-Not complimenting her 100 times (limit yourself to 1 compliment per date)…
-Not sharing your problems, insecurities, and past traumas (you’re on a date; not visiting a therapist – have FUN with her, get to know her a little bit on each date, and handle your problems on your own time)…
–Not trying to force it when it comes to being in a relationship (just keep asking her out on dates and having FUN with her [make sure you go for a kiss by the end of the 2nd date so you don’t get stuck in friend mode] until she brings up the idea of being in a relationship. Then you can ask her to be your girlfriend after that. Don’t ask her to be in a committed relationship with you or even really hint about it on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. Let her bring it up first)…
-Not overreacting when something strange happens (the restaurant is closed, etc.) and being smooth and relaxed about it instead…
-Playfully teasing her/challenging her…
Etc.
These are guidelines you should ALWAYS follow in the early stages of dating.
And here’s what being light and playful on a date DOES NOT mean:
-Laughing at your own jokes (the best is when she is laughing at your humor while you just smile playfully with your eyes)…
-Nervously trying too hard to be funny but actually just being awkward (this is fine if it happens once and you move the interaction forward; however, it’s not going to be attractive if she’s uncomfortable around you for the whole hour you have coffee with her because you’re super uncomfortable)…
-Making crude, unfunny, or sarcastic jokes (remember, we are being playful; think mischievous in a light, positive, fun way vs. sarcastic)…
-Performing a clown show…
-Smiling too much (smile with your eyes not your mouth)…
-Never getting to know her at all/only being playful (transition from playful teasing into rapport-building by asking her open-ended questions and letting her talk A LOT. Then, every once in a while, bring some more playful teasing back in to keep the attraction alive)…
-Self-deprecation (your humor must come from a HIGH-STATUS place; i.e. you are on her level or above/you don’t think she’s better than you, in order for her not to lose respect for you as you say in your email. You want to keep it light and playful in an attractive, high-status way. That’s the key).
These are things you should NEVER do in the early stages of dating if you can avoid it.
And now let’s cap this off with three more important points:
1. Love IS light and playful; it’s not serious…
There’s a dangerous myth in our society that romantic love is SERIOUS.
Well, it’s not…
Romantic love is light and playful.
So, should you keep things light and playful or should you maintain a masculine frame so she doesn’t lose respect for you?
Ummm…
Yes AND yes.
Those two things are not mutually exclusive…
You should keep your dates light and playful at all times AND do it from a high-status/masculine place.
That means that you playfully tease her vs. trying to impress her as some kind of silly clown.
Make sense?
Excellent…
Being playful on a date is not the problem; doing it wrong is the problem.
And let me finish this point this way:
If 2 versions of you are dating the same woman and one of you is light and playful with her while the other one is serious all the time, she will choose the version of you who keeps things fun, playful, and light for the most part while also maintaining high-status and showing your serious side by getting to know her over the version of you who constantly tries to be serious and “masculine” with her.
Every single time…
…unless she has a bad attitude herself, which brings us nicely to the next point:
2. You want to be with a woman who has a great attitude about life in general whether she’s with you or not…
And you can identify a woman like this by her ability to have fun with you and keep things light and playful herself.
Now, if you’re being a silly clown the whole time or you’re not calibrated in how you’re teasing her etc., then that’s your fault.
However, if you’re keeping things light and playful and also transitioning into getting to know her and you’re doing everything right and she just doesn’t think you’re very funny…
Or, if she keeps wanting to talk about super negative, heavy, serious subjects in every conversation you have with her and she never wants to be playful or have fun…
Then she either has low interest in you, or she has a bad attitude/major issues.
Or both.
Either way, if that’s the case, it’s time to move on to a woman who’s interested in you and who has a good attitude.
Remember: The goal is not to attract every woman you talk to…
The goal is to attract the right woman for you.
Relationships are difficult at best and a good one requires two people who lift each other up vs. bringing each other down.
3. The goal is to maintain a light and playful atmosphere at all times on all of your dates; not to continually be as silly as possible or to ONLY tease her for an hour…
Listen, I see what the other dating coach is saying; however, it’s not very masculine to go around worrying that you’re being too playful and trying to be serious all the time either…
Remember: A little bit of teasing goes a long way…
And you’re not a stand-up comedian on tour.
So, what we want to do is practice bantering and being playful and then after a couple minutes transitioning into rapport-building like this:
(After a couple minutes of playful banter/teasing her and you’re laughing together/she has played back with you/shown her + attitude as well):
“Hey, you seem really fun. So, tell me: If you hit the lottery jackpot and never had to work again, what would you do then and why?”
OR
“You seem like such a cool person. What’s one thing you secretly want to brag about? / If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? / If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be and why?”
Etc.
Then, LET HER TALK about herself as much as possible.
Ask her follow-up questions.
Share a short story from your life that relates to what she said if you want.
Then, ask her another one.
And keep playfully teasing her a little bit every once in a while to make sure the spark stays lit.
And avoid talking about serious, heavy, negative topics.
On your second and third dates with a woman you can follow this same pattern if you want or you can start with a fun open-ended question and then tease her playfully about her answer, etc.
Just make sure you keep a relaxed, fun, light and playful atmosphere in the background at all times and have as much fun with her as possible.
If you start out being light and playful, transition into getting to know her, and still don’t make things too serious and heavy, she will NOT lose respect for you.
In fact, her interest in you will go UP (assuming she’s interested in the first place).
And, if you don’t do it this way you’ll either break even or she’ll lose interest in you.
Your call.
Remember: There’s no such thing as HER laughing too much or having too much fun. Only YOU can be laughing too much if she’s not.
Alright sir, I’m off to a meeting.
Sincerely hope this was helpful…
Until Next Time,
Jim
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