How to Be the Non-Reactive Man Women Dream About... - Dating Advice for Men Who Love Women

Did you know that most of the time we don’t react to something that happens but instead react to what we think it means?

For example, here’s a fact (something that happened):

A guy holding a brown ball ran over a painted line on a grass field.

Here’s what two different guys thought it meant:

Guy #1: Holy Sh******t! My team just won the Super Bowl!!!!

(We are the champions, my friend…)

And he reacts with a crazy celebration.

Guy #2: My team just lost the Super Bowl!!!!

I can’t believe we got this far and then couldn’t hold ’em on the last play to win. Unbelievable.

At first, he’s in shock…

And then he feels all sorts of negative emotions.

So that’s how life (especially our social life) works:

We react, respond, and feel certain things because of what we think they mean, not because of what actually happened.

It’s our interpretations of events, the stories that we tell ourselves, that cause us to feel strong emotions, form beliefs about ourselves, the world, and other people, influence our actions and decisions in the future, and create our lives for the most part.

And that’s why a HUGE part of personal development, including improving our dating skills and relationships with women, is all about:

1. Examining the stories we tell ourselves…

Are they really true?

Are they serving us?

2. Telling ourselves better (more accurate) stories that serve us better going into the future.

After all, one of the 4 naturally attractive male qualities is INTERNAL STRENGTH and one of its component parts is NON-REACTIVITY.

And how can we be less reactive?

Well, there are lots of ways, but one really powerful way is increasing your ability to examine and control your interpretations of events.

The more you can control your interpretations of events, the more you can control your emotions.

Facts vs. Stories…

So, in this article, I’m going to cover a few examples of things that happen in dating and relationships and then give two possible interpretations of those facts.

I think it will be clear to you which of the two stories benefits you more.

Let’s begin…

FACT: A woman you just met is giving you a hard time.

Story #1: She’s being rude and you don’t have to take it. What a b****!

Story #2: When a woman isn’t interested in me, she’ll usually try to ignore me…so, if she’s giving me a hard time, that means she’s probably just interested in me. If I pass this test and show her my confidence, she will drop her act and start being sweet, playful, and feminine with me.

Here’s how these stories might play out:

S1: The guy gets mad and storms off or just feels bad about himself and the woman because he THINKS she’s just being “mean.”

He fails her test.

Nobody wins.

S2: The guy treats EVERYTHING she says as a huge compliment.

He knows that teasing is flirting and that sometimes a woman who is very interested in him will be even more aggressive towards him because she wants to make sure he’s actually the guy she thinks he is before she surrenders to him.

“Awww…You’re SUCH a sweetheart” 😉 he tells her with a big smile.

She’s disarmed by his display of genuine confidence.

She’s also strongly attracted to his NON-REACTIVITY.

She drops the “mean” act, buys him a drink, starts laughing at all of his lamest jokes, and kisses him passionately an hour or two later.

“Finally…a guy who really gets it” she thinks to herself.

Everyone wins.

FACT: You make a mistake.

Story #1: I suck!

Story #2: This mistake doesn’t mean anything about me as a person in general at all.

It just means I made a mistake in this moment in this context. In fact, mistakes are a HUGE part of success.

So, if I want to reach a higher level than where I am now, I have to be okay with making mistakes, looking like a fool sometimes, feeling uncomfortable sometimes, learning from my mistakes, and then moving FORWARD with my general self-confidence in tact.

In fact, the more I accept making mistakes as part of my success, the faster I’ll improve as long as I don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.

FACT: A young woman with above average facial symmetry and a body displaying health, fertility, and the ability to produce very healthy, good-looking children who will probably have an easier time in life than the offspring of other women walks in the room.

Story #1: She’s a “10…”

I can’t get a woman like that.

And, if I decide I want her anyway, I have to “try to get her,” chase her, and try to convince her that I’m better than other men in order to have a chance with her.

It probably still won’t work out…

Story #2: Every woman I’m attracted to is a “1” (the ones I’m not interested are “0’s”).

There is no 1-10 rating scale.

For some reason, I’m just the kind of guy who naturally attracts the best-looking, most awesome women now. It’s no big deal.

They think I’m a 10…

And, if not, I’m learning everything I can about the kind of guy she actually falls in love with and becoming that version of myself more every day instead of “trying to get” her, chasing her, or trying to convince her to like me (because I know those things don’t work).

FACT: A woman you were supposed to meet for a date doesn’t show up.

Story #1: She probably has a good reason…

Maybe she had to feed her cat…

Maybe she got tired…I mean she does work a lot.

Maybe she doesn’t like the activity I picked…maybe I should ask her out again for a better date to impress her more.

Story #2: She’s not interested.

And, even though it stings a little bit, it’s a good thing in the long run because I won’t waste any more of my time and energy on her; instead I can focus on other women who ARE interested in me.

Listen, a woman who’s interested with you will (consistently) show up (on time) for your dates.

If she doesn’t, it’s best to assume she’s not interested in you until proven otherwise.

So, in this case, it actually goes the other way: Don’t delude yourself to protect your ego.

Work on moving on more quickly when she demonstrates a lack of interest like this because it gets you closer to what we want: women who ARE interested in you.

Don’t text, call, or ask her out again.

Just move on.

Then, if she contacts you and has a good reason for not showing up, sincerely apologies AND shows you she’s serious by making it up to you (“You know what, I’d love to make you dinner to make it up to you…can you come over on Thursday night?) you can resume things from there.

Otherwise, you’re wasting your time.

The key is to BOTTOM LINE her actions (the facts) towards you.

Her ACTIONS tell you how interested she is (does she give you her number? Does she agree to your date invitation? Does she show up for your date? Does she kiss you [back]? Etc.).

So, don’t react based on what she says (her saying “I really like you…” is nothing. Her kissing you passionately is something) or how you feel about her. <==These stories and ego-protecting rationalizations can easily lead you astray.

If you ONLY told yourself accurate, self-serving stories and if you stuck to only the facts only when it comes to women, your life would be AMAZING. <==Read 3X…

Let’s do another one real quick…

FACT: You’ve been divorced 3 times…

Story #1: I’m just not capable of having a good, successful relationship. And, even if I am, it’s too late at this point. I’m too old now anyway.

Story #2: I haven’t learned how to have a good relationship yet.

So, I’m going to take this opportunity to learn how to have the kind of relationship I want and I won’t stop until I figure it out.

I still have A LOT of life left to live and I want to live it on my terms.

Let’s do one more for the road…

FACT: While you’re at a party with your girlfriend, a guy comes in the door and she runs up to him and hugs him enthusiastically…

Then, she starts having a conversation with him.

Story #1: I can’t believe she’s hitting on another guy so aggressively right in front of me in public! I wanna KILL that guy and I’m angry at her.

Story #2: Let’s wait and see what happens…

Maybe it’s her long-lost cousin or friend from high school.

Let’s see if she comes back to me and let’s find out how this plays out.

How these stories might play out:

S1: “What’s going on here?!” you yell at her…

“What do you mean?!”

“Why are you doing this to me? Why are you disrespecting me like this, hitting on this guy in front of me like this…?”

“Ummm…what?! This is my cousin Ramon…Ramon, I was going to introduce you to this guy because he was my boyfriend…”

Even if she doesn’t break up with you, her image of you has taken a serious hit because you’ve shown major internal weakness.

Same thing goes if you stormed out angrily or decided to sulk.

S2: She comes back to you 20 minutes later…

“Hey, sorry about that! That’s my cousin Ramon and I haven’t seen him in like 7 years. I can’t believe he showed up here. So crazy. Come on, let me introduce him to you…

Oh, and by the way, thanks for being so cool about it…my last boyfriend went nuts for no reason any time I was even within 15 feet of another guy.”

Her feelings for you just went UP because she knows you’re a strong man.

OR, if she doesn’t come back to you or she starts making out with the guy, you just leave (or find another girl to talk to there) and never contact her again.

And you respect yourself more because you didn’t react to something that you weren’t sure about.

You know that you have to enforce your boundaries with ACTIONS, not with words.

Angry words seem powerful but they are powerless. Actions are real power and you’re a powerful guy.

So, you do what you CAN do given the FACTS and keep moving forward…

And that’s one of the reasons the best-looking, most amazing women are starting to fall more and more in love with you. =)

They can feel your power and so can I.

Now, if you want, it might be a good idea to examine the stories you’ve been telling yourself about yourself and your life.

For example: “I’m not good at math…”

Really?

Here’s a better, more accurate story: “I’m not that good at math right now…but if I spent 10 years learning it I could be amazing at math. I really just don’t have the motivation to spend that much time and energy learning to be good at math.”

That might be a silly example, but I’m sure you have stories about yourself and your life that are holding you back from becoming the man you want to be and living the life you want to live.

So, examine as many of them as you can think of…

Ask yourself: What are the actual FACTS?

Are these stories true?

Are they serving me well?

Are there (true) alternatives that are more accurate and that serve me better?

Then, start telling yourself the more accurate stories from now on.

And remember: You’re only “lying to yourself” if you try to change the FACTS…

Otherwise, you’re just telling stories and telling better ones can greatly improve your life.

Alright, have a great rest of your day sir…

And start telling yourself some great stories.

Until Next Time,

Jim