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How do I talk to a woman I’m attracted to?
What should I say to make her want me?
What’s a killer pickup line that works every time?
How do I keep a conversation going with a woman – I always seem to stall out…?
In other words, how should I talk to a woman I want to date?
We get questions about this topic from men all around the globe every single day…
And, here’s the answer:
You talk to a woman you want to attract exactly like you talk to any other human being, with two BIG exceptions:
1. You must establish ATTRACTION before you connect with her on a deeper level and start building rapport…
And you do that by playfully teasing her, bantering with her, etc. before you start connecting with her.
That’s how you avoid the friend zone and enter the, “Wow…I can’t believe how attracted I am to this guy…” zone.
If you’re already good at being friends with women, then you’ve already got the connecting part down.
In that case, just add in a little attraction at the beginning of your first conversation with a woman and then pepper in a little bit of attraction into all of your conversations with her after that and you’ll start knocking your conversations out of the park.
2. You must be willing and able to break rapport in addition to building it.
This is the tension that you need to have an attractive conversation instead of a boring one.
And you do this by disagreeing with her (without being disagreeable), freely sharing your real opinion even if she might not like it, playfully teasing her, and being a little bit of a challenge.
And then, beyond applying these two general ideas, there are ten critical principles you must follow if you want to take your conversations with women to the next level…
The following principles should ALL be applied during your first conversation with a woman, all but #1 should be applied during your first 3-4 conversations with a woman, and most of these principles should be applied during ALL of your conversations with a woman you’re dating (you can relax on some of them a little bit after she’s in love with you and you’re in a committed relationship, but you should always keep them in mind):
1. Don’t worry too much about the opening line…
Listen, you can’t attract a woman with one little sentence.
So, instead of getting in your head, trying to think of something clever, and then never introducing yourself to a woman because you couldn’t think of anything in time, just go get the conversation started.
If she holds eye contact with you for a little longer than normal, just go up to her and say, “Hi.”
You can establish attraction later; you don’t have to do it with your first line.
You can use a witty banter line if you want; you just don’t have to.
Just saying, “Hi” is infinitely better than never talking to her or sounding like you’re trying way too hard when you start talking to her.
So, start a conversation with her however you can.
Then, once you’re talking to her:
2. Let HER talk…
Your main job in a conversation with a woman you want to date is to guide the conversation while she does most of the talking. <==Read 3X…
Most guys talk way too much on a date and they usually talk a lot about themselves because they’re trying to convince her that they’re worth dating.
Instead, ask her open-ended questions and get her talking.
For example:
“If you hit the lottery jackpot and didn’t have to do anything anymore, what would you do and why?”
“If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?” <==One of my personal favorites.
“Tell me three things about you that I wouldn’t know just by looking at you…”
Etc.
Remember: She should be talking about 60-80% of the time.
So, LET HER TALK…
Not only is it easier for you to let her carry the conversation for the most part, it also makes you MUCH more attractive.
Ask her some great questions, get her going, and then sit back and let her talk instead of telling her all about yourself and worrying about what you’ll say next.
Then, ask her follow-up questions and let her talk even more. =)
“Is there more about that?”
“Oh, that’s interesting…Why did you think X about X?”
“What is it that made you so interested in X?”
Here’s the key: A woman likes you more the more she talks vs. how much you talk.
Ironically, when she does most of the talking and sharing, she thinks you are a great conversationalist.
She also feels closer to you…
She also thinks you’re mysterious…
She also thinks you’re a great listener…
She also thinks you’re interesting…
She also realizes at a subconscious level that you’re not trying to convince her to like you by telling her how awesome you are and that makes her want you more…
She feels much more attracted to you and much more comfortable with you at the same time when she talks more than you do. <==This combination is what we’re going for.
Simply letting her talk is one of the biggest keys to attracting women. It’s impossible to overstate how important this one is if you want her to want you.
3. Share short, interesting stories from your life instead of listing facts and resume stats about yourself…
Once she’s talking a lot, you can share a few SHORT, INTERESTING stories related to what she’s saying that give her insights about who you are.
For example, if she says she would travel to as many places in the world as possible if she hit the lottery jackpot and then tells you a travel story or two (because you asked her a follow-up: “Oh, you love travel? Tell me one of your best travel stories from the past couple years”)…
You can then:
1. Tell her one good story about an interesting thing that happened on a recent trip…
2. If you haven’t traveled a lot, you could tell her about a camping trip that had an impact on you, a fun road trip story, etc.
Keep your story short in terms of logistical details…but take as much time as you want explaining how you felt in each moment (“I was SO nervous when I got on the plane because it’s a 15-hour flight from LA to Beijing and China is such a different place…Plus, it was my first international trip by myself. Then, when I got there, I definitely felt overwhelmed at first with all the people. And that’s when X funny story happened…[tell short funny story about your trip to China]…By the time I left, I was actually sad that I had to leave; but I also felt a deep sense of accomplishment and a new level of confidence because I went way outside my comfort zone…”).
Then, after you finish your short, interesting, relevant story, ask her another open-ended question and keep letting her talk more than you do.
4. Keep it LIGHT and PLAYFUL…
Nothing kills attraction faster than a SERIOUS conversation. <===Read 3X…
Listen, you don’t need to have a serious or heavy conversation with a woman to create some kind of “deep” connection with her.
Let the FUN you’re having with her be your connection with her.
Attraction and love are light and playful; they aren’t “serious.” <==This is one of the biggest myths about relationships floating around out there in our culture.
In fact, you can build MORE rapport (deep emotional connection) with a woman by doing an activity with her that neither of you have ever done before (and having a blast) than you can by having ANY kind of conversation.
And, even after you’ve been with a woman for a few years, you should find a way to take her out once every week or two and HAVE FUN (no talking about serious stuff like your bills, your crappy boss, etc.) in order to maintain her feelings for you.
This is what creates and maintains solid romantic bonds…
So, don’t talk about serious, heavy subjects.
Avoid topics like religion, politics, and sex.
At the very best, talking about those things allows you to break even with a woman.
They will NEVER make her more attracted to you.
They can, however, easily DESTROY her attraction for you.
So, don’t go there.
If she does, that’s fine.
Just state your opinion if you want and then gently guide the conversation to a more positive, light topic.
And don’t make her your therapist or try to play hers…
If you have issues you need to work out, do it on your own time.
And definitely don’t TELL her how you feel about her or how much you like her (SHOW her how you feel by attracting her properly instead).
Keep your conversations light, fun, and playful and you’ll do much better.
5. Lay off the compliments…
This is another way to keep your conversations light…
Limit yourself to ONE genuine compliment per date.
Why?
A. If it’s your first conversation with a woman or your first, second, or third date with her, you actually don’t know her very well yet.
So, your compliments sound shallow to her for the most part.
When you compliment her during one of your first couple of conversations with her, what you’re really saying is, “I’m very attracted to you so I’m assuming all kinds of things about you and projecting all kinds of positive qualities onto you when I don’t really even know you very well yet…wait, did I mention you’re extremely good-looking?”
B. Women have been taught that men will say anything to get with them…
So, your words have little positive effect because they run straight into her main defenses (and they can cause her to put her guard up even more).
C. When you compliment a woman a lot, you’re doing it because you’re trying to convince her to like you (and, even if you’re not, it appears that way)…
And when a woman senses that you’re trying to convince her to like you, she immediately starts losing attraction for you.
D. One of the main reasons you’re complimenting her is because you think it will make her like you more and you think that it will make her feel good.
It doesn’t make her like you more and it doesn’t make her feel good when you compliment her too much…so it’s not a good strategy.
6. Compliment her, then challenge her…
What is a good strategy is to give her a genuine compliment and then challenge her at the same time.
For example:
“You’re awesome…it’s too bad I’m not attracted to you at all.” 😉
And, “You know what, I’m really enjoying getting to know you so far…it’s too bad I don’t date blondes anymore.” 😉
These two compliments followed by a playfully challenging line are both 1,000,000X better than:
“You’re SO awesome…”
Or, “You’re so beautiful…”
Etc.
This one is especially important during your first 2 or 3 conversations with a woman, but you can use it to spark some tension any time (you can also throw out a line like this if you’re friends with a woman and see how she reacts to see if there’s any romantic interest there).
7. Don’t compliment her body…
If you’re going to give a woman a (one) compliment, don’t compliment her body.
Listen: She knows you think she’s hot because you started talking to her, you asked her for her number, you asked her out, etc.
So, you don’t have to tell her.
It’s simply not necessary.
And, if you do, you might kill your chances with her.
Ultimately, she wants you to like her for who she is as a person; not just her looks.
So don’t point out all of her physical features that make you want her; if anything, point out something about who she is:
“Hey, I really respect how much you care about animals. That’s really cool.”
Or, “You know what I like about you so far? You seem like the kind of girl who’s willing to go against the grain and be your own person.”
Or, “I’m not sure what it is, but I really like your energy right now.”
Now, the only exception to this is if you compliment something about her body that IS NOT related to sexuality and that she doesn’t hear very often…
For example, you could say, “You know what, this might sound strange, but I really like your nose for some reason (ears, chin, etc.).”
At least you’ll get some originality points for something like that.
Again:
ONE.
COMPLIMENT.
PER.
DATE.
(Not about her body).
8. Be willing and able to change topics freely…
Instead of trying to have a LOGICAL, LINEAR conversation with a woman, just let the conversation flow naturally.
When you’re talking to her, if she changes the subject, don’t rigidly hold on to the previous thread and insist on keeping it alive.
Let it go.
Same thing goes if you’re telling a story and you get interrupted (the server comes over, etc.): don’t continue telling the story unless she asks you to.
Start a new thread.
Ask her another great open-ended question.
And, don’t be afraid to change topics randomly yourself…
Women are used to changing topics frequently and will easily be able to follow the conversation no matter how many random threads you start.
And remember: When you’re talking to a woman you want to date, the EMOTIONS you’re feeling together are what matter most; not the words you say, the topics you’re discussing, the ideas you want to get across, or the arguments you’re presenting…
So just have FUN with her and let the conversation FLOW (see: keep it light and playful).
9. Break rapport sometimes…
The difference between talking to a woman you want to attract and a friend is that in order for a woman to be attracted to you, you have to be willing and able to break rapport with her in addition to building it.
In other words, you have to establish ATTRACTION in addition to connecting with her.
That’s what keeps you out of the friend zone.
So, when you’re talking to a woman you’re attracted to, break rapport with her sometimes.
For example, compliment her and then challenge her as we talked about above.
Or, tell her that something she said is a deal-breaker for you and “break up” with her:
“Wait, you like X band? That’s it, I’m breaking up with you.”
Or, if she says lots of things you agree with, don’t just say, “Wow, we have SO MUCH in common! We should totally be together!”
Instead say, “You know what, we have wayyy too much in common. This is getting a little weird. We should probably stop hanging out.” 😉
Or, “Stop making me like you…it’s not fair.” =)
Etc.
Also, state your opinions freely.
And, disagree with her without being disagreeable.
You can even disagree with her for fun even when you DO agree just to establish attraction if that spark isn’t there yet.
Instead of just “trying” to connect with her, build a connection by letting her talk a lot and having fun with her and then spark some attraction by BREAKING rapport sometimes as well. <==This is the most attractive kind of conversation you can have with a woman.
10. Don’t argue…
On the other hand, while you should definitely break rapport and disagree with her, you should NEVER argue with a woman you want to date or hook up with.
Why?
Mostly because you can never “win” an argument with a woman even if you’re “right.”
Even if you convince her that your argument is correct, the way you make her feel when you argue with her creates strong negative emotions that work against you.
So, disagree with her without being disagreeable.
Use, “I think…” and “in my opinion…” before you make statements.
You’re just stating your thoughts and opinions; you’re NOT trying to convince her that you’re right, that she’s wrong, or trying to “win” an argument.
Remember: Your opinions don’t require others and you don’t need to convince anyone of anything (especially a woman you want to date).
Again, keep the mood light and playful and you’ll do much better.
BONUS: Pause for a few seconds after she finishes speaking…
This one can really help you get out of your head and into the present moment with a woman…
And, it makes you seem more confident and mysterious at the same time.
Try this if you want: The next time you’re talking to a woman, pause for 2-3 seconds after each time she finishes speaking before you respond.
Many times, she’ll start talking again to keep the conversation going. And, what she says will probably be a little deeper and more meaningful than what she said the first time.
She’ll feel VERY connected to you and comfortable with you if you do this.
Add in a little playful teasing and you’re golden.
Remember: The biggest key is to be present in the moment with her instead of in your head trying to figure out what to say next…
Because if you’re not worried about GETTING a particular outcome: impressing her, getting a kiss from her, etc. then you will automatically have a much more attractive conversation with her.
So, to recap, keep it light and playful, have as much fun with her as possible, sit back, relax, and let her talk (especially about herself). Share short interesting stories once in a while. Let the conversation flow freely. Say what you want to say without being a jerk and don’t hold back. And then, every once in a while, break rapport with her a little bit to keep building tension.
If you follow the 10 conversation principles we just covered in this article every time you talk to a woman you want to date, you’ll be more attractive to her than 90% of men out there.
You’ll be MILES ahead of your competition…
And then, if you want to take your conversational skills even further, check out this presentation that covers the 3 phases of an attractive conversation with a woman in detail:
==>Click here to watch on YouTube…
And here’s one last thing to keep in mind when it comes to talking to a woman you want to attract: The man who says the words to her and the context of your conversation with her are even more important than the actual words you say to her…
So, if you continue to work on yourself as a man and develop your social status, body language, and dating strategy at the same time as your conversational skills, you’ll become the most attractive version of yourself and then your conversations with women will become more naturally attractive as a result.
And, at the end of the day, that’s really what we’re going for.
Cheers,
Jim
Advanced Free Training:
Attract Women Without Words – Brad Pitt’s Body Language Secrets
How to Attract a Devoted Girlfriend or Wife – The Formula
How to Get Her Number and Text Her – Free E-Book
