I got a great question from a client the other day…
Here’s what he wrote in:
“Hello Jim,
I am greatly enjoying your newsletters and have a really good question, although I am not sure anyone ever thought of asking it…
It’s an old concept in the dating world that a guy should be overt about his intentions or attraction in a woman, simply because “going stealth” (hiding your intent) will never work and is considered insanity. Being direct, of course, makes perfect sense.
But then there is this other concept in the dating world which seems to contradict the concept of 100% transparency.
According to this concept, if a woman knows with certainty how you really feel, that you are attracted to her, that it tends to reduce her interest, her attraction.
This concept believes if the woman has uncertainty about whether you are attracted or not, that if you keep her guessing, it will likely be more productive in eliciting or boosting her attraction to you.
So where is the truth? How do you reconcile these 2 concepts with one another?
I would really love to hear your perspective on this one.
Thanks,
-E.D.”
This is such an important question when it comes to your dating and relationship success that I decided to write an article about it…
So, here’s my take on all of this:
Should You Be DIRECT or Indirect with Women?
There are actually THREE big elements in a complete response to E.D.’s question.
FIRST of all, listen: A woman knows when you’re interested in her…
So, it’s not like you’re really hiding anything if you don’t go shouting your feelings for her from every mountaintop.
You should most definitely OWN your interest in her.
Of course you’re interested in her.
It’s natural and it’s no big deal.
If she asks you, “Is that your pickup line?”
You say, “Yep. It’s working isn’t it…” 😉
However, you’re not completely SOLD on her yet. <==This is the key.
You’re interested in her but not needy…
You’re interested in her yet indifferent…
You’re interested in her but you’re not SURE about her because you don’t know her yet.
Make sense?
Excellent…let’s keep moving.
SECONDLY, you should be direct with your ACTIONS…
That means:
-You start a conversation with her…
-You playfully tease her and ask her open-ended questions to get to know her…
-You ask for her number…
-You ask her out…
-You go for a kiss by the end of the second date…
Etc.
Your actions scream that you’re interested in her…yet your actions reveal your interest to her in an attractive way.
I mean, would you ask her out if you weren’t interested in her?
Or go for a kiss?
Of course not.
So you ARE telling her you’re interested in her when you do these things…
On the other hand, THIRD, you want to be indirect with your WORDS.
What’s the difference?
When you take actions that show you’re interested in her without telling her how you feel about her, especially when you’re also a challenge and take a step back after taking a step forward, she has to assume that you’re interested.
She has to read between the lines a little bit…
She gets to play detective a little bit. <==Women LOVE this, btw…
She has to do some mental processing.
When you just tell her how you feel, she doesn’t have to think about anything or wonder about anything or process what you’re saying AT ALL…
And that means that she loses interest in you…
Because when we’re interested in something that means that we think about it…and when we think about something, that means we’re interested in that thing.
Here’s what happens: When you are DIRECT with your ACTIONS and keep your mouth shut about your feelings and then you take a step back and you’re also a challenge with her, she’s not 100% sure what’s going on…
And, even though she knows deep down that you’re interested in her (refer back to the first point), you’re not acting like every other guy who’s into her so she thinks you’re different and she’s not completely sure where she stands with you.
So, to answer E.D.’s question, when he says, “if a woman knows with certainty how you really feel, that you are attracted to her, that it tends to reduce her interest, her attraction…”
Her thinking or even knowing deep down that you’re into her doesn’t reduce her interest in you; her being 100% sure about it does and you showing your interest too much too soon does.
When you lose self-control and reveal your feelings verbally you break the tension between you and she loses interest.
Here’s how this works: Think about it like watching a movie or TV show that you really like…
Many times, you have a pretty good idea how it might end…
Yet, you’re not completely sure so you keep watching.
Now, imagine that the director comes on the screen in the middle of the movie or show and tells you exactly what will happen.
Will you keep watching?
Probably not.
On the other hand, when you show your interest in a woman by taking the actions necessary to attract her and, at the same time, you maintain self-control and don’t gush to her about your feelings, she GAINS interest and wants to keep seeing you.
So, be direct by talking to her, asking for her number, asking her out, and going for a kiss…
Then, disappear for a while after each amazing date and let her think about you and wonder why you’re not chasing her like every other guy she’s ever met who likes her.
Then, ask her out on another date and repeat.
And don’t talk about your feelings for her because that doesn’t raise her interest but can certainly lower it.
SHOW her how you feel; don’t tell her. <==This is the key…
Be DIRECT with her by leading and taking actions while also taking a step back and being a challenge after each forward step, then be indirect with your mouth.
BONUS…
And that actually leads me perfectly into answering a follow-up question that E.D. sent me:
“By the way, I have another question which might also interest guys.
If you are seeking long term success with a woman you just met, is it ever a good idea to bring up sex conversationally on the first date (or even the first few dates), or is it best to avoid it conversationally altogether, until such time when you actually managed to seduce her on a physical level FIRST?
Deeply curious about what you think of this one. Will the answer be any different if you were not necessarily hoping for a deep long-term success?”
In my opinion, you should NOT bring up sex on a first date (first 3 dates) no matter what your intentions are…
You want to avoid heavy, serious subjects in general:
-Politics
-Religion
-Sex
-Your Feelings for Her…
-Your Insecurities, Problems, and Traumas…
-All the Horrible Things that Happened this Week…
Etc.
You want to keep your dates LIGHT AND PLAYFUL.
So, avoid these heavy, serious subjects.
And that includes sex.
Why?
Because it’s a topic that never gets you any points:
If she’s the kind of woman that likes to take things slow and the kind of woman who would make a great long-term partner, bringing up sex on the first date might turn her off and push her away.
Not good.
And if she’s not that kind of woman, then it doesn’t matter if you bring it up or not because your ACTIONS will attract her.
So, if your only goal is to have short-term connections with women, just take the ACTIONS that we talk about inside The Good Guy Guide…
Focus on leading her through all the necessary stages…
Playfully challenge her to establish attraction…
Ask her open-ended questions to build a connection…
Then lead her somewhere private and physically escalate with her (if she’s into it…).
Communicate with her subconscious mind and let her conscious mind remain innocent. <==This is a HUGE key to your success with women.
You never have to bring up the topic of sex to get physical with a woman.
So there’s no real good reason to talk about it.
Now, if she brings it up, then you can talk about it for a minute.
Show her that you’re comfortable with it…
You can even tease her about it if you want: “It’s not like you could ever have me anyway…” 😉
Flip the script on her and set up the frame that she is trying to seduce you and that women only ever think about one thing. <==This dynamic is fun and really really good for you.
Then, change the topic.
Be a challenge…most guys will POUNCE on this topic given even a sliver of an opening…
So, when you don’t, it shows her that you’re not needy and you’re not like every other guy she meets.
And that greatly increases the chances that she will POUNCE on you at some point. =) <==By the way, it’s always better if she pounces on you vs. you always initiating everything…
And, if you want a long-term relationship, just take the ACTIONS that we cover inside the Attract and Keep Her System…
And that doesn’t include talking about sex on the first, second, or third date.
Remember: When it comes to women stop trying to SAY things and start DOING the right things (and stop doing the wrong things) instead.
Because actions are masculine and attractive while words can be cheap and dangerous in this male/female dance.
Plus, women have been told that we will say anything to get with them since they were little girls…
So, your actions have the benefit of being more authentic AND being more mysterious and attractive at the same time as long as you can also take a step back and be a challenge.
Remember: The less you talk about yourself and the less you tell her how you feel about her, the more she thinks and wonders about you…and the less you talk about sex the more she starts to wonder what it might be like with you.
And this “game” is all about what’s going on inside HER mind.
Alright sir, I gotta go…
Until Next Time,
Jim
