You may have already heard me say that a woman must be AVAILABLE in order for her to be the right woman for you…
In other words, assuming she’s interested in you, she must also not have a boyfriend or husband and she must live relatively close to you if you want to start dating her with a long-term relationship in mind.
Well, what if she just broke up with her boyfriend, she just got a divorce, or her ex passed away recently?
You may have also heard me say that it usually takes about 2 months for every year you’re together with someone for your feelings to fully “reset” to the point where you can have full genuine feelings for someone else and, of course, that the same principle applies to women…
So it’s not usually a good idea to try to jump into a relationship if you just broke up with someone or she just broke up with someone.
Dating and having fun?
Sure.
Fully committing to someone new right away?
Trying to raise a woman’s interest before her emotions have reset?
Not so much.
You’ll be wasting your time with her if she’s not able to raise her interest in you right now.
Even if she’s interested in you when you first meet her.
So that’s the “general rule.”
Well, here’s the thing about this rule:
This topic is actually extremely nuanced…
Especially when it comes to women.
For men, it’s relatively straightforward because we generally only date women we are actually interested in and because we are usually the ones who get broken up with…
So, chances are high that we will definitely need time after we get out of a relationship before we’re fully ready for a new long-term connection.
However, when it comes to a woman, whether you should date her or not right after she goes through a breakup is HEAVILY dependent on the situation.
For example, if you’re a little older and a woman was married to a guy who she was deeply in love with for 35 years and he just passed away last week, it’s clearly not the time to pursue her (yet).
You can get her number, “tread water” with her for some months, and ask her on a date later on if you want…
But the timing of this is off and it probably won’t work out in your favor even if you do everything right.
Plus, if she goes for you right away, she won’t look good socially and this is a concern for many women as well.
On the other hand, if a woman just broke up with a guy AND her feelings for him have been 0 out of 10 for a long time already before she left him, then she might be FULLY ready to date someone and develop genuine feelings IMMEDIATELY.
And a lot of women start looking for a replacement before they get rid of their current man (even some really good women).
So, again, it depends and that’s why this is a bit of an “advanced topic.”
In general, the more single (available) she is when you meet her the better…
So stick to that as a general rule.
On the other hand, it helps to understand the nuances of this a bit more so you can gain some clarity on what to do if you encounter a woman who is interested in you but just got out of a relationship.
For example, if she had children with her ex, then he will probably be in her life to some degree…
And you’ll have to ask yourself if she’s worth that extra consideration (a clean slate would be better but maybe she IS worth it to you).
Or, if she still has feelings for her EX, it’s time to stop dating her, move on, and tell her to call you when she’s over him.
This is something that you have to analyze based on the situation and take it case by case.
So, if you find yourself in a situation where a woman is freshly out of a relationship, proceed with CAUTION (but if you do decide to go forward, proceed normally).
Alright, last tip on how to handle this before we get into a real-world example:
DO NOT ASK a woman if she has a boyfriend (or husband etc.)…
When you meet a woman you’re interested in, proceed as if she’s available until it becomes clear that she’s not.
Just like you assume she’s interested until it’s clear that she’s not.
Here’s the thing:
If a woman tells you that she has a boyfriend or that she’s married, it means something and it’s on purpose.
Same thing if she talks about her ex a lot…
And if she doesn’t mention anything about any other men, that also tells you a lot.
It’s never an “accident” when a woman “mentions” something (or she doesn’t).
So we want to see if she brings it up…
And what you do is just follow the steps we cover inside the Attract and Keep Her System just like you do EVERY TIME with EVERY WOMAN:
-Ask for her number by the end of your first conversation with her…
-Ask her out on a date…
-Have fun on the date, wait 4-8 days, and then ask her out on the next date…
-Go for a kiss by the end of the second date.
If you put these CHECKPOINTS in front of a woman and she doesn’t mention having a man when she gets to one, and especially if she gets past ALL of these checkpoints without bringing it up, then you can assume she’s available and ready to date you unless she has brought up the subject of not being ready or not being single by then.
So we don’t ask her or guess; we use checkpoints to TEST HER and find out.
We want to see what she’s made of and how she will deal with this kind of stuff.
Now, if she IS NOT available and she goes on 2 dates with you AND kisses you back passionately when you go for a kiss, then either:
1. She is 100% done with her current man and has been for a long time…
She has 0 romantic interest in him but just hasn’t left him yet.
In this case, you can date her if you want, but if you find out she has a man stop seeing her and contacting her until she actually leaves him.
Just tell her, “I really like where this is going and I enjoy hanging out with you. Hit me up once you’re actually single if you want to go out with me again.”
Then stick to your guns and don’t see her until she’s actually single.
OR…
2. If she does have romantic interest in her current man, then she’s just NOT LOYAL.
You will never be able to trust her and you should stop contacting her and move on immediately.
Do not ignore this giant red flag no matter how strong your feelings for her have become.
Either way, it’s up to you and you’ll have to do some detective work to figure out what’s really happening and it might take 2-3 dates…
But most women will bring it up within the first 2 dates (or sooner).
I mean, if she has feelings for her man is she really going to let you take her out twice and kiss you back?
Not if she’s loyal – she’ll probably let you know during your first conversation if that’s the case.
And if she’s not fully over her ex will she really keep passing those checkpoints with you without mentioning her ex at all?
Not likely.
She’ll probably talk about him each time you hang out with her.
So, if she doesn’t mention her ex or current man within 2 dates and a kiss, you can assume she’s fully ready to date you.
And, if she only brings up her ex once on your first 2 dates and doesn’t dwell on it too much, same thing.
On the other hand, sometimes a woman will say she has a boyfriend if you’re going for a kiss etc. on the first or second date to test you and see how you’ll respond to that OR to stop you from kissing her if she’s not interested in you even if she DOES NOT actually have a boyfriend.
So, just have fun with a woman, see if she brings up the topic of other men, and see how she approaches it because you will get a lot of important information about her from how she handles it and what she tells you.
And then you can decide how to proceed from there.
Alright, now let’s take a look at a real-world example of this situation to gain even more clarity…
One of my best students wrote in a while back about a woman who he treated differently because she just broke up with her ex recently.
Let’s take a look at how this situation has been going for him so far:
When She Just Got Out of a Relationship…
“Hello Jim…
I need some advice 🙂
After the last time we wrote to each other I have been meeting up with 3 women…
The last one of these women I started dating in December, and she is the only one of them I really felt some interest in.
The Situation
A colleague of mine (the 3rd woman) started talking to me at a party in October. I was a little bit drunk, but I remember I liked talking to her…
The problem was that she recently became single, so because of that I chose not to ask her out.
In the beginning of December she wrote to me on Instagram. I took the chance and asked her out.
She wanted to meet me and we did.
In December we met three times, once a week. I think it was really nice meeting her. She’s easy to talk to and pretty as well.
She never talked about her Ex-boyfriend, and I never asked. But I had it in the back of my mind all the time (looking for red flags).
The third time we met (it was last week) it was her that asked me out.
Something that bothers me today is that I never tried to kiss her during any of the dates…
The first time we met we ate pizza at a restaurant together (her idea), and the two other times we went cross-country skiing together. Not the easiest way to get close to her, I know…Soo I wanted to do something else with her for the fourth date.
I have been focusing on the rules of your book. I wrote as little as possible to her between dates, I waited 4-8 days before asking her out again, and I tried just to have a good time with her on dates, etc.
On Monday this week I wrote to her and asked if she wanted to meet me this Thursday. It took her around 7-8 hours answering me.
She wasn’t sure if she could on Thursday. She wrote to me again next day and told me she had other plans Thursday, but we could try during the weekend or next week…
I asked if she wanted to meet me this Friday instead (because I’m busy for a couple of days so I thought it would be better this Friday than waiting for many days). It took her almost two days to answer me…
And when she answered she wrote «sorry, it’s been busy at work. Unfortunately I can’t this Friday…».
I think this is a clear sign that her interest is lower. I just answered «Understandable =)», and in my head this is an ending with this woman for now.
I will not ask her out again. It’s up to her to make a move.
I think maybe one reason that this happened is because of her recently ended a relationship with another man, and she is probably not ready to meet someone else (me) at this time…
What do you think, Jim?
Do you agree with me, or should I do something actively now?
Did I make some obvious mistakes with this woman in December/this week?
-A.J.”
Now, before we get into my reply, I want you to ask yourself:
What do you think about this situation?
Do you think things are going this way because she is recently single?
Or is there something else going on?
Here’s my response:
A.J.,
Great to hear from you as always!
Let’s break this down bit by bit:
“A colleague of mine (the 3rd woman) started talking to me at a party in October. I was a little bit drunk, but I remember I liked talking to her. The problem was that she recently became single, so because of that I chose not to ask her out.”
Listen, if there’s a good reason here NOT to ask her out, it’s that she’s your colleague…
You may have heard me advise men not to date women from work and there are many reasons for that. I mean, there are so many women you don’t work with and dating women at your workplace has so many extra risks, it’s not really worth it unless you would give up your job for a chance to date her even if it ends up not working out at some point.
Now, about the “she just got out of a relationship thing,” I’m not sure what the hang-up is there for you…
You may have heard me say that it takes about 2 months for every year you were with someone for your emotions to “reset” and this is also true for women.
While that’s true, there are a lot more things to consider here, especially based on what you said in your email:
- How do you know she is recently out of a relationship?
Does that mean you were talking to her a lot before this? About other men etc.?
It’s really none of your business before you start to date her, so, unless she told you about it without you asking her (that would be perfectly fine), then I’m wondering why you know so much about her before you have even dated her…
Is it possible you’ve had your eye on her for a while at work and found out somehow?
This, of course, makes your interest grow really fast and hers stays the same because she’s in a relationship. Then, when you start dating, it’s uneven.
I hope that makes sense; this is yet another reason to be careful at work.
- It really really really matters whether SHE broke up with him or he ended things with her…
If she ended things, chances are good that she is FULLY over him and has been for a while now.
Here’s the thing:
Most women don’t leave as soon as their interest in a guy hits 0…
They build up resentment for a while and process the breakup and then leave most of the time.
Some (even good women) even start looking for a replacement before making the leap.
Now, if he broke up with her and she still has feelings for him…THEN what you’re saying is correct and makes sense.
If she broke up with him, treating her any differently than any other single woman you meet is a big mistake.
My guess is she WANTED you to make a move on her and that she IS READY and you didn’t so she got a bit disappointed…
It’s just a guess but it’s a very strong gut feeling based on everything you shared in your email.
Next time, ask a woman out and don’t assume anything – keep an eye out for everything but FIND OUT.
And if you’re doing something that doesn’t allow for kissing, make a situation happen that does if you can…
For example, if you’re cross-country skiing, you can “accidentally” fall so she gets close to check on you or you can invite her somewhere for a quick drink after etc.
Facilitate this because if you have done everything right based on the Attract and Keep Her System (asked her qualifying questions and she has answered them fully, etc.), she has shown up for 2-3 dates with minimal resistance, she has touched you at least once on each of your dates, and she has asked you personal questions, chances are very high that she’s ready to be kissed and is waiting for you to make it happen.
I mean, couldn’t you have walked her to her car or dropped her off at her place or walked her to her place and kissed her at her doorstep or in front of her hotel or apartment door?
- She didn’t talk about her EX on your dates…
This is a big green flag that she’s over him and wants to see if there’s something there with you.
And she even asked you out – anther strong indicator of interest.
When a woman shows you so very clearly that she’s interested in you and you don’t make a move, sometimes it can almost feel insulting to her.
She’ll at least feel disappointed.
I don’t know what else you were doing on your dates/in-between dates, but this alone can cause female interest to fall.
“I have been focusing on the rules of your book. I wrote as little as possible to her between dates, I waited 4-8 days before asking her out again, and I tried just to have a good time with her on dates, etc.”
This part is EXCELLENT.
Next time just go for a kiss by the end of the second date – that’s also in the book and following 100% of it is the only way.
“I asked if she wanted to meet me this Friday instead (because I’m busy for a couple of days so I thought it would be better this Friday than waiting for many days). It took her almost two days to answer me…And when she answered she wrote «sorry, it’s been busy at work. Unfortunately I can’t this Friday…».
This was a mistake…
Waiting many days is ALWAYS better than rushing.
Every time.
Remember: Challenge is what women want (respond to positively by raising their interest)…
We want HER to be disappointed that she can’t see you for so long and come back toward you with that.
You are showing her that YOU are super interested in seeing HER sooner and can’t wait a few days…what we want is for HER to show that.
And we don’t ask a woman out on Fridays, Saturdays, or Holidays until she asks why we don’t hang out on the weekends OR she asks “where is this relationship headed anyway?” and then we ask her to be our official girlfriend.
Lastly, the biggest key here is this:
You asked her out and she said no with no SPECIFIC alternative…
I think you know from Attract and Keep Her that in that case WE DO NOT ASK HER OUT AGAIN.
You made your move.
The ball is in her court now.
She can come back at you and make it clear she wants to see you and then you can ask her out ONE more time if you want…
But we definitely don’t offer her another day we can meet up when she turns down our offer and gives us a VAGUE (not) counter-offer.
If she says she can’t Thursday how about Friday, you can say YES because it was a SPECIFIC day and time and she offered it…
But we definitely don’t offer her another day.
This is HUGE in the early stages of dating – so don’t take it lightly.
She had her chance and missed (again, she could have said, “How about Sunday at 1:30 pm for lunch?” instead of maybe x day x day or x day…).
Some other time or a vague “counter-offer” is NOT a specific (real) counteroffer.
It’s still a DECLINE.
And when a woman declines a date invitation, we don’t ask her out again.
Especially right away.
Now, the alternative is to wait at least a week and then try asking her out one more time if you want…
But, again, definitely not right away, definitely not for a weekend day, and we certainly don’t rush it.
This is the biggest mistake you made in my opinion – it makes a woman think less of you when you just offer her another day right after she turns you down.
It ruins your positioning completely with her.
And most guys she meets would do that because of their interest in her.
The one she will choose and fall deeply in love with would never.
So, now she has turned you down TWICE (in the same short timeframe!), and when a woman turns down 2 date invitations, she’s out.
It’s time to move on.
To answer your main question: I don’t think this had anything to do with any other guy…
I think she WAS interested in you and now her interest is either a lot lower or already at 0.
I would back off and see what happens – if you want to ask her out ONE more time after 2 WEEKS have passed, act like nothing bad happened, etc. and see how she responds, you can try it out to confirm.
If she agrees, start again from date 2 or 3 and just have fun but make sure you go for a kiss.
If she declines again, it’s 100% time to move on (instead of 99.5%).
Alright sir, sincerely hope this helps…
You did well to reach out about this and these lessons will serve you well going forward for sure.
You did a lot of things right so if we just tweak things a bit and clean up everything a bit more you’ll make it all the way home with the right woman for you sooner than you think.
Until Next Time,
Jim
