I just finished watching an interesting show on Netflix called Back with the Ex a few days ago…
It featured four real-life couples who used to be together, broke up for one reason or another, and are now trying to make it work again.
One of the two people in each couple invited the other to give it another try on the show and the other person could accept the invitation or not.
Then, at the end of the show, the one who got invited could give a “final decision” on whether or not they wanted to try being together again.
Now, as a lifelong dating and relationships student, I can’t help myself when a show like this presents itself in my feed (even though I know reality TV is usually scripted/is probably fake most of the time)…
So, I watched the entire thing in one sitting (we’ll analyze the show a little bit at the end of this article – stay tuned)…
And it reminded me of a very important topic that I don’t talk about very often:
Getting back together with an ex.
I get a TON of questions from men about whether they should go back to a particular ex or not and/or how to “get their ex to come back…”
However, you might have noticed that I don’t offer a course on “how to get your ex back.”
And, there’s a very good reason for that…
So, is it ever a good idea to get back together with a woman after a breakup or divorce?
*If you prefer listening to audio, check out this presentation:
Should you (ever) go back to an ex?
The short answer is no…
The general rule is that you get one chance per woman per lifetime. <==Read 3X…
It’s not a good idea to go back for a second go-round.
No matter how “amazing” she was and no matter how strongly you feel about her.
Why not?
Three HUGE reasons:
1. Things with her were NOT as good as you think…
Listen, if you still have strong feelings for a woman and she breaks up with you, chances are good that after some time passes you will create an idealized version of her and your relationship with her in your mind.
In other words, you’ll remember the good times with her a lot more than the bad times.
So, if you do get back together with her your expectations of her won’t match reality and you’ll be disappointed.
And, here’s the truth: If she broke up with you (it’s never completely mutual, btw…) then you will have to level up in order to “get her back…”
And, when you DO level up, you probably won’t even want her back anymore…
I’ve seen this phenomenon over and over again:
A guy is devastated by a rough breakup.
He’ll do anything to get his ex back.
And that powerful, focused, obsessive desire for her motivates him more than a raging fire burning right behind him or a drill sergeant barking orders at him.
So, he decides to TAKE ACTION and do something about it (much respect).
He starts learning about dating, relationships, and general self-improvement.
He makes himself a better man.
And then, because he has made it to the next level (or two or three), he is no longer interested in the same kind of woman. <==Ahh, sweet irony…
In fact, most of the time, he can’t believe he ever was interested in his ex.
“She’s just not a good fit for me anymore…” he thinks (or worse in some cases: “Wow, I can’t believe I was so into a woman like that…”).
The main point here is that the woman you think of as your ex is most likely a fantasy that can’t compete with reality.
And, if you truly get your act together, chances are good that you won’t even want to be with her anymore.
Because you’ll finally see her for who she really is.
Now, in some cases, a guy’s ex really is an amazing woman…
Well, there are two more HUGE reasons it’s still not a good idea to get back together with her.
2. The problems you had that led to a breakup are still there…
Whatever caused one or both of you to lose interest in each other and split will still be present if you get back together.
They don’t “magically disappear” just because some time has passed.
Things might be good for a while when you first get back together but chances are extremely high that these cracks will start to show up at some point and destroy your connection again.
And the resentment one or both of you felt toward each other from these problems will still be there as well even if you have forgiven each other.
Now, if both of you have done a lot of personal growth since your breakup and the issues that caused the split are truly solved, it might work…
However, the odds are still TERRIBLE (maybe 1 out of 100 will work, at least for some length of time, and no, it’s probably not going to be your relationship. Don’t ever get caught up in wishful thinking or thinking that you or her are “different.” That causes all kinds of problems for men).
Plus, you’ll be different people when you get together and that can also cause you to lose interest in each other (you liked the old version of her and vice versa even if the “new” version is “better”).
And then, lastly, there’s one more CRITICAL reason that it’s always better to start off fresh with someone new than it is to go back to an ex:
3. She remembers everything you did to lower her interest in you and every mistake you made in your relationship with her before.
No matter how awesome you are now, she will NEVER forget all the things you did that caused her to lose interest in you the first time you were together.
So, she’ll NEVER think of you the same way a new woman will if she meets you now.
The image of you that she carries around with her can never be as good as it can with someone new.
And, if you think about it, we’ve all experienced this phenomenon:
When you’ve done some work to grow as a man in some way and then you go meet up with a group of old friends from childhood or your family, they still tend to see you as the guy they used to know…
It’s very difficult to change their impressions of you when they knew you before your transformation.
And it’s no different with an ex.
You’re fighting an uphill battle and it’s one you probably can’t win in the end.
However, a new woman will see the new you.
Her image of you will be much better than your ex’s image of you and she won’t be carrying around baggage from the past all the time.
You get a clean slate that makes it much easier to build a good relationship with her.
On the other hand, when you go back to an ex, she will always remember the guy you used to be whether she wants to or not.
And that means she can’t fully see the guy you are now.
So, again, it’s much better for you to start fresh with someone new.
Because you deserve to be with someone who sees who you really are now.
And because those memories she has of all the things you did “wrong” will make your life with her much more difficult.
So that’s why I will never create a “how to get your ex back” program.
I don’t think it’s (ever) a good idea and I’m on your side 100%.
Now, if you briefly hooked up with a woman a few times back in college or something like that and then you randomly see her a few years later at a coffee shop and then start something with her, that can work.
The main difference here is that you weren’t in a relationship with her and you didn’t really break up.
In other words, she’s not really your “ex.”
So, in that case, it can work because she’s essentially the same as a new woman you just met except that you already know you used to be attracted to each other.
Now, I watched the Back with the Ex dating show with all of this in mind…
So what happened on the show?
Was I proven wrong about getting back together with an ex or did it just reinforce everything we just covered?
What Happened on the Back with the Ex dating show…
Let’s take a look at what happened with each of the four couples on the show:
Couple #1: One of the couples featured an older gentleman and a woman he hooked up with 28 years ago while he was doing a semester abroad during his college years.
He was from Australia (the show is Australian btw…) and she’s from the US.
They had a very strong connection all those years ago and both of them ended up divorced around the same time, so why not give it a go?
After all, he never stopped thinking about her all those years and still had strong feelings for her.
So, he invited her on the show and she said YES.
And, when they got together I could tell she was VERY interested in him too.
So I had hope for this one to work out.
THE REASON THEY BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE: Long-distance…
The fact that he lives in Australia and she lives in the US caused their breakup 28 years ago when he had to go back home.
They tried to keep it going but the distance was too much.
WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW: They built a great connection and at the end of the show he proposed marriage (in Paris, no less) and she said YES!
However, after trying to make it work, their engagement ended a few months later.
THE REASON IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THIS TIME: Long-distance.
The same reason they broke up last time…
They just couldn’t logistically make it work and it was too much strain on their connection.
This is the couple I had the most hope for and they still weren’t able to make it work…
Couple #2: The next couple was very young and featured a “nice guy” who had recently developed more of a backbone.
THE REASON THEY BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE: She cheated on him.
Now, they were in high school when this happened and now they’re still young (college age), so it’s hard to judge people too much for what they do during this time.
However, here’s the bottom line: He was too nice, his interest in her was much higher than her interest in him, he wasn’t a challenge at all, and even though she genuinely cared about him her real interest in him fell until she was able to feel that spark with someone else.
And that’s what broke them up: Her low interest that led to her getting intimate with another guy.
WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW: They worked to “build up trust again” and at the end of the show he agreed to give her a second chance.
It’s clear that they enjoy spending time together and that she really does care about him.
So, they decided to try to make it work.
However, just like the previous couple, their relationship ended a few months after the show ended.
THE REASON IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THIS TIME: She still remembered everything he did that lowered her interest in him.
He was unable to make her forget even though he’s more assertive now (he, of course, was able to move past not being able to trust her because his interest in her is so high)…
It was plain to see that his interest in her will always be higher than her interest in him and he was unable to move that needle any higher.
So, unfortunately, this connection was doomed from the start even though I liked both of them.
If they stayed together it would be a “comfortable” relationship but she would have no romantic feelings for him. <==This is common, btw…
And that wouldn’t be good for him either.
I’m glad that he now has the opportunity to move on and start fresh with a woman who can see him differently now.
Couple #3: The next couple featured two very good-looking people in their 30’s.
THE REASON THEY BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE: He didn’t respect her and took her for granted. He was too controlling.
WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW: Even though his behavior toward her was terrible the last time they were together, it was clear to me that she still had real feelings for him.
So, she decided to give him a chance.
And he had changed, at least a little bit.
He made a good effort to show her that he had changed.
Honestly, because of her clear high interest in him, I really thought she would say YES at the end of a show and at least give it a go.
However, she surprised me in a really good way and said NO at the end of the show. She didn’t want to try to get back together after all…
THE REASON IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THIS TIME: She developed her self-esteem after the breakup and learned to take care of herself more.
So, even though he had improved, she still remembered the way he treated her last time, saw that some of that was still there, and decided to say no to that kind of treatment this time around.
Well done young lady…
I’m sincerely proud of her because her feelings for him were STRONG…
Couple #4: The last couple was also in their late 20’s or early 30’s…
THE REASON THEY BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE: He felt a little trapped (probably from his own issues) so he randomly broke up with her and went on a long overseas trip without her.
WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW: They had a tumultuous connection but they both wanted to try to make it work.
Honestly, I was cheering for this couple the most.
I really think they’re a good fit for each other.
And, it could have possibly worked out.
Why?
Because he broke up with her.
So, her feelings were still there. <==This is key.
However, he still hadn’t dealt with his issues yet.
At the end of the show his ex agreed to give it one more try…
And then they also broke it off permanently after the show ended.
THE REASON IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THIS TIME: There was something he felt hurt by and wanted her to apologize for.
She refused because she didn’t agree that she did anything wrong.
Now, in this case, even though I’m on the side of men, she was right…
She had absolutely nothing to apologize for and did nothing wrong.
So, ultimately, it was his own issues that sunk the relationship and he just blamed it on her.
If he had done some serious personal growth after their breakup, this one might have worked out.
However, it would still be even better for him to start fresh with someone new at this point.
CONCLUSION: None of these four couples were able to make it work. :/
And I could have predicted that without even watching even though I was honestly cheering for them…
I’d rename the show Doomed from the Beginning, but then nobody would watch it. =)
Because, for the reasons we talked about above, it’s never a good idea to go back to an ex (and some of the people on the show were really great people and could have been good couples) and it’s wishful thinking to believe that things can be different for one couple or another.
It’s always better for everyone if both people move FORWARD after a breakup.
So, if I created a course to show you “how to get your ex back,” that would be like a financial advisor telling you to buy lottery tickets for your retirement plan.
And remember: There’s no such thing as “the one who got away…”
The truth is that there are thousands of “ones” getting away right now because you’re not putting yourself out there or following the step-by-step plan we cover inside the Attract and Keep Her system with every woman you’re interested in.
And starting off fresh with a new “one” is ALWAYS better for all parties involved than it is to go back to an ex.
So, if you’re ever tempted to go back, go forward instead.
One chance.
Per woman.
Per lifetime.
Until Next Time,
Jim
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