Imagine that you’re sitting at a coffee shop on your first date with a very attractive woman and you’re really starting to hit it off with her…
She’s laughing at all your dumb jokes…
She’s playfully hitting your arm when you tease her playfully…
And both of you are smiling and having a great time.
You feel a deepening sense of connection with her and you’re really starting to like her a lot…
And it seems like you have a legitimate shot at another date with her and beyond.
Then, all of a sudden, you say something a little “off” and it kills her positive mood…
You know what you said wasn’t exactly right and you realize the way you handle it might make or break you with her.
How should you handle this situation?
Well, that’s exactly what Dean R. asked me about…
Here’s what he wrote in:
“Hi Jim,
Your answer to my last question was excellent and highly satisfying. So here is another question…
Do you have any advice on how to handle mistakes and turn them into positives? I think this is very important but I didn’t see any material from you on this.
I like to have “recovery lines” if it is obvious that something I said just isn’t right. Do you have any good recovery lines for things that come out kind of mean or awkward, unintentionally?
Do you ever apologize for anything at all, or is that not part of the method? If so when/how do you apologize? Is there a clever way to apologize and make it sound great?
Maybe the mindset is ‘we don’t make mistakes, we have happy accidents.’ That’s from Bob Ross.
Thanks for answering these questions…
Your time is valuable and important to me.
-Dean R.”
Here’s my reply:
Hi Dean,
First of all I love Bob Ross. 🙂
Secondly, yes actually…
When You Say the WRONG THING and She Gets UPSET…
If you’re playfully teasing a woman and she gets upset or offended, I would say something like, “Hey, if I’m teasing you it means I like you. You’re doing well, okay?”
Then I would change the topic and tone it town.
Listen, the purpose of teasing is to establish attraction (teasing her shows her that you’re on her level or above) and build a little tension in a fun way.
If she gets hurt by your teasing that’s NOT the goal. And it means she already sees you as high-status enough.
So you can lay off the teasing and move on to asking her open-ended questions and building rapport.
For most women, if you don’t make a big deal about it and you smoothly transition the conversation to the next topic after pausing for a few beats to clear the air, then she probably won’t make a big deal out of it either.
PRO TIP: Women who are slightly above average in terms of looks generally require the most teasing simply because they tend to get the most attention…
Ironically, the most stunningly gorgeous women don’t usually require as much teasing nor do women with average or below-average looks (compared to your looks).
For example, if a woman already thinks you’re more attractive than her, teasing her right away might not help you with her…
She’s already attracted to you so you can start building a connection with her first and then tease her playfully a little bit once she feels super comfortable with you.
Sometimes you shouldn’t tease a woman at all at first if you know she’s already into you. In that case you want to build rapport and make her feel good first; then you can playfully tease her VERY LIGHTLY.
Make sense?
Excellent.
Also, a woman who’s intimidatingly gorgeous doesn’t usually need to be teased very much either…
The fact that you’re the first guy this year to approach her and talk to her like a normal human being can be enough to get something going with a woman like that.
Then, again, once you’re feeling connected with her, you can drop in a little light teasing to make sure you’re not headed toward the friend zone.
You always have to calibrate this stuff. <==This is why you should go on as many “coffee dates” with as many women as you can: You have to practice a lot, make mistakes, correct those mistakes, and keep going until you get all of this stuff down so well that it feels completely natural if you want to date the women you really want.
And, lastly, if a woman doesn’t like being silly and playful at all ever…I wouldn’t date her because life is short and hard and being with a woman who doesn’t have a good attitude makes it even harder. =)
HER: “I don’t think you’re very funny…” after you make a very silly, very light, playfully teasing comment (another woman 5 feet away overhears and is laughing at what you said).
YOU: “Well, I’m glad we found out now vs. after 10 years of marriage…” <==Don’t actually say this; this is just what I would be thinking if a woman has no sense of humor at all.
Remember: She doesn’t have to be funny but she should at least find you funny sometimes.
Now, if you said something truly insulting or hurtful like, “Your nose is ugly…” or “You’re so dumb!”
Then you should simply apologize outright.
Just say, “That was wrong of me to say and I don’t mean it at all. I apologize. It won’t happen again. Let me make it up to you…” <==Then get her a drink or do something small to show that you mean your apology.
Then, move the interaction forward as soon as you can.
Hopefully you can avoid something that serious in the first place…
Because you might not be able to come back from something like that; especially if you’re only on your first or second date with her.
Remember: We don’t insult women or put them down; we playfully tease them.
“Your body’s okay but your face is a no-go” is NEVER okay…”What?! You like Ariana Grande? I’m sorry but I have to break up with you.” 😉 is more like it.
I hope you can feel the difference because women definitely will.
Okay, last one for today: If you say something that upsets a woman you’re already in a relationship with:
1. If what you said is truly something wrong or that you should apologize for, admit it and apologize immediately.
“I was wrong to say that; I’m sorry.”
Don’t grovel or beg her to accept your apology. Just sincerely apologize immediately.
Give her time to cool off and don’t force it.
2. If what you said was NOT an insult, was not hurtful, and you did nothing that merits an apology, DO NOT apologize.
Hold your ground.
For example, if you share your opinion with her without trying to convince her that she’s wrong or that you’re right etc. and she just doesn’t like your opinion, don’t apologize for that…
Just say, “I understand your perspective and we’ll just have to agree to disagree this time. I think we both have a good reason for what we think about this.”
Be steady and just give her some time for her emotions to cool down.
If you don’t react, chances are good that she’ll come back to you a little bit later and she’ll feel closer to you than she would if you just caved and changed your opinion to match hers.
She will respect you more even if she disagrees with you.
And, she will know who you really are.
Remember: In a healthy relationship, two differing opinions are allowed to exist.
And, if you disagree with each other on a topic that’s an absolute deal-breaker for both of you, then your relationship should be allowed to evolve into the next phase = finding people who are a better fit. <==This is very rare and if a woman has a good attitude almost everything can be worked out.
Find a woman like that and then make sure you do everything right with her so she falls and STAYS deeply in love with you. =)
Alright sir, I hope you found this helpful.
Until Next Time,
Jim
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