Did you know that a woman’s interest in you depends on your ability to build AND break rapport with her?
In fact, you probably do this naturally with women you’re not that interested in…which is why you might notice that they become more interested in you.
Now, most of the time, when we think about building a “connection” with a woman and being in a relationship with her, we’re thinking about how to build rapport with her.
And, while it’s important to be able to do that, most men can do it because we can all build friendships with other people…
So what we need to do is learn how to break rapport with a woman properly so that we can build a romantic relationship with her that involves both friendship AND attraction elements.
And one of my top clients asked me about this exact topic a couple days ago:
“Hey Jim,
In your book you wrote that, ‘Being a challenge means you break rapport with her in addition to building it…’
Can you give me one example of ‘breaking rapport’ with a woman or one situation like that?
Thank you!
-Aaron C.”
Here’s my response:
Hi Aaron,
Good to hear from you again and thank you for your excellent question…
When to BREAK rapport with a woman…
Here are FOUR examples of what breaking rapport with a woman in the right way actually looks like in real life:
1. Playfully tease her on a date vs. giving her 100 compliments…
Listen, when you compliment someone it builds rapport…
So ONE compliment per date is perfectly fine as long as it’s not too heavy, too sappy, or you telling her how much you like her (dating is about her interest in you, not your interest in her – expressing your interest in her never raises her interest in you and can easily crush it)…
However, giving a woman too many compliments DESTROYS attraction…
Make sense?
Excellent.
So, what you want to do instead is playfully tease her.
GUY #1: “You’re so beautiful…”
A little bit later:
“Wow, you’re so smart…”
“You know, any guy would be so so lucky to be with you…”
“You’re an angel…”
“Your eyes are so gorgeous…”
“I really like you…”
Etc.
The woman he’s on a date with starts getting more and more of a stomach ache after each one of these…
GUY #2 (this is us): “You look very nice tonight Amber…” <==ONE simple, light compliment that’s not too sappy or heavy…and he gives her NO more compliments on that date.
A little bit later:
“Hey. Stop making me like you; it’s not fair and I won’t stand for it!”
“You seem like such a cool person; it’s too bad I’m not attracted to you at all…” 😉
“I bet your parents are SO proud…” 😉 <==(after she says something kind of “bad.”)
“Aaaaaand that’s why we can’t have nice things.” 😉 (after she spills something or does something clumsy)…
“Uh oh…you know what they say about women from (X place) don’t you…” (when she tells you where she’s from).
“Oh, so you’re one of those girls aren’t you?” (after she tells you her profession, sorority, social group she belongs to, etc.).
“You’re really pretty…like the third most beautiful woman I’ve seen all day! Okay, maybe the second most beautiful. ;-)”
“Listen, I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work…I’m not that easy…”
“It’s a good thing I’m not attracted to you at all or we’d be in trouble…” (after she shares something awesome with you that makes you like her more OR you’re laughing and having a great time together and obviously connecting).
Etc.
After hearing a couple of these playfully teasing lines, the woman this guy’s on a date with starts feeling herself becoming more and more attracted to him for some reason.
Now, playfully teasing a woman is a SPICE that you don’t want to keep pumping into your connection at warp speed…
You want to do it once in a while, maybe a 2-5 times on each date to make sure things stay interesting.
And the most challenging lines should only be said ONCE per date or once every other date, etc.
However, it’s MUCH better to playfully tease a woman than it is to give her a compliment. <==Read 3X…
Remember: A woman’s interest in you is like a CACTUS…
It mostly grows on its own without you doing anything.
All the way back in my high school days I actually got myself a cactus and I ended up killing it by watering it too much (true, kinda sad story)…
And complimenting a woman is like watering a cactus – a little bit is okay but it’s really easy to overdo it.
So build rapport with her a little bit by giving her ONE compliment on each date and then break rapport with her by playfully teasing her a little bit more than you compliment her.
Because playfully teasing her, on the other hand, is like cactus fertilizer that allows her attraction and interest in you to grow.
And so is time and space apart where a woman can think about you in-between dates…which brings us perfectly to #2:
2. Don’t ask a woman out again right away after an AMAZING date (or any date)…
What’s the first thing you’re thinking after you have a great date with a woman where you can really feel the connection with her?
If you’re like most of us, it’s:
When can I see her again?!
Oh man, I really like her! I gotta see her as soon as possible…
I better try to meet up with her again right away before she starts to forget about me or before she starts to think something is wrong…I mean, I don’t want her to get the wrong impression or think I’m playing games…
Plus, I WANT to see her again right now…
I mean, she could be THE ONE!
Well, this kind of thinking is what causes most men to sprint full speed into rejection instead of making it all the way home with the women they’re interested in the most.
So, instead of trying too hard to build the connection with a woman after a date, break rapport with her instead by waiting 4-8 days before you ask her out again.
Why?
Because a woman’s interest in you goes up THE MOST when she’s wondering whether or not you’re going to ask her out again and when she’s thinking about you when you’re NOT there (not when you’re actually with her or connected to her via technology).
So, if you really like a woman and you want her interest in you to grow, then it’s even MORE important that you don’t ask her out again right away…
Because her interest in you needs fertile soil to grow in…and that soil is TIME and SPACE away from you.
And if you keep watering that cactus with your constant attention and incessant chasing instead of giving it the time and space it needs it won’t survive.
Remember: Women tend to fall in love slower than men; so, what we must do is practice patience until her interest in you catches up with and passes your interest in her.
So, instead of trying to “build rapport” with her by chasing her for anther date right away, break rapport with her by waiting 4-8 days instead. Then, go ahead and ask her because the time is right to add more water again.
After each date with a woman, wait 4-8 days and then ask her out again (if she asks you out directly in the meantime, say yes…otherwise, you’re waiting and then asking).
And don’t text back and forth with her all day long; give her interest TIME AND SPACE to grow, then come back to her again.
The only question: Are you strong enough to wait (especially when you really like her)? <==This will determine how interested in you she gets to be.
For the sake of your relationship with her, I hope so.
And now, these last 2 examples of when you should break rapport with a woman are related:
3. Don’t agree with everything she says – let her know when you disagree.
A lot of men change their opinions to match the opinions of a woman they’re very attracted to on a date…
And it completely ANNIHILATES female attraction.
So, instead of trying to “build rapport” by agreeing with everything a woman says, break rapport and let her know when you disagree with her instead (without being disagreeable).
This is so important that you could even manufacture it on a date even if you actually DO agree with everything a woman says…
For example, if you feel like you’re agreeing about too many things in a row and the attraction between the two of you is at risk because of that and then she says, “I really like Reel Big Fish,” which is one of my favorite bands, I might reply by saying:
“Wait…You like REEL BIG FISH?! That’s it…I’m breaking up with you now. I can’t continue to spend time with someone who likes a band like that…” 😉
THEN I’d say: “Haha, just joking…Reel Big Fish is actually one of my favorite bands…what’s your fav RBF song?”
That’s how important it is to show a woman that you can disagree with her in the beginning stages of dating.
Even a silly example like this will work if you do it.
So, if she says, “I looovvvveeee tomatoes…”
And you don’t like tomatoes…
Then disagree with her without being disagreeable:
“That’s cool that you love them…I’m actually not a fan at all. In fact, I kind of think the texture is a little gross haha. More tomatoes for you I guess.” =)
That might be a ridiculous example but it’s the same with her favorite music, activities, foods, etc. and her opinions about everything.
HER: “I love Obama (Reagan) so much and wish he could come back…”
YOU: “That’s interesting…I’m not a big fan honestly. Let’s move this conversation away from politics haha…if you could be any animal, what would you be and why?”
Now, if something she says is truly a DEAL-BREAKER for you, then politely continue the date, end the date normally, and then simply don’t call her again.
However, you’re not going to agree about absolutely everything with anyone.
So, how you deal with disagreement is the key.
And being able to disagree with a woman you’re super attracted to (breaking rapport with her smoothly) makes you wildly attractive to said woman even if she strongly detests some of your opinions.
So just be honest and let her know when you truly disagree with her (again, without being disagreeable) and you’ll break rapport with her in an attractive way when you should naturally.
And then, you should also:
4. State your own strong opinions about things…
This applies to situations where you’re telling her what you think first (vs. agreeing or disagreeing with what she says).
If you like hip hop and strongly detest country music (or vice versa), tell her (without implying that people who don’t share your opinions/tastes are wrong or inferior).
Now, for the most part, you want to AVOID heavy subjects on your first several dates with a woman…
So you don’t want to get into a discussion about politics, religion, sex, etc. with a woman you’re interested in.
However, when it comes to other topics and subjects, you want to freely share your opinion without worrying about whether she’ll agree with it or not.
And then, if she disagrees with you, DO NOT change your opinion to match hers.
Stating your strong opinions about things and then sticking to them even if her opinions are different is a very important time to break rapport instead of trying to build it…
Because it increases attraction…
And you need attraction AND rapport to be in a ROMANTIC relationship with a woman.
And her interest in you is built on top of her RESPECT for you…
And she can’t respect you if you change yourself to try to make her like you more (“build rapport”).
Make sense?
Awesome.
Now, again, you’re not saying you’re right and she’s wrong…
Your opinions do not require others.
You’re simply saying that this is your opinion right now.
That’s why we use phrases like, “I think…” and “Well, in my opinion…” before we share our strong opinions:
This way of speaking implies that it’s just our opinion or just what we think; not that it’s the only way of thinking about something or the “right” opinion.
If you can express your strong opinions and also allow her to express her (different) opinions at the same time and treat all of those opinions with respect at the same time, then you are a very rare, very strong, extremely attractive man.
Alright, three quick final points and then we’re done here:
A. Breaking rapport with a woman does NOT mean that we should be jerks or that we put women down.
So you never want to say something like, “You’re stupid,” or, “Your nose is so ugly…” to a woman.
Those are put downs or insults and they are NOT playfully challenging.
B. If she gets hurt when you playfully tease her, back off for a bit and maybe bring it back again later when she feels more comfortable:
“Hey, if I’m teasing you it means I’m starting to really like you okay? You’re doing well…” =)
C. When a woman shares something personal with you, do not tease her about it…
HER: “You know, my father died when I was 7 and it’s had a big impact on me…”
YOU: “Wow, I can’t even imagine how hard that would be…I can see how that would really change everything…” NOT: “You can call me Daddy if you want…” 😉 <==This is obviously horrible.
It might seem obvious not to tease in this kind of situation, but you’d be surprised by what a lot of men do on dates.
And it’s even more subtle than that…
When she says something like she loves going to the beach, you can tease her a bit: “Oh, so you’re like a surfer girl or something? You know what they say about surfer girls…” 😉
Just don’t put her down: “The beach sucks and everyone who likes going to the beach sucks too.”
The key is to PRACTICE building and breaking rapport with women until you achieve the right balance that allows you to attract your ideal woman.
Until Next Time,
Jim
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