“I want a guy with a great sense of humor.” -Every Woman Ever…
Let me ask you this: if being “funny” is REALLY what women want, why is it that so many comedians struggle with women (yes, some comedians do well with women, and we’ll see why in just a moment)?
Think about it for a second.
Why is that?
Well…
It’s because there’s something much more important than being funny that either allows the humor to work or makes it unattractive:
(Perceived) Relative Social Status.
In other words, if George Clooney, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, or someone like that tells a joke or makes a witty remark, it’s MUCH funnier to a woman than if a random guy at the bar says the EXACT SAME thing.
See, comedians tend to have low self-worth, so when they make a joke, they tend to put themselves in a lower position than the audience…
…which can absolutely get laughs, but is definitely NOT attractive to women.
People will pay money to laugh AT you, but women want to laugh WITH you.
So, in order for humor to be attractive to a woman, she must think that you are of equal or greater value than her FIRST.
Women don’t say, “I want a guy that I can look up to and admire who ALSO makes me laugh,” because it’s not socially acceptable and it’s so obvious to them that they barely think about it consciously, but that’s what they mean.
We’re just supposed to know the difference somehow without them telling us…
Any time you do something to get approval (like putting yourself down in a joke), you are lowering your perceived value.
So, I encourage you to cut out the self-deprecating humor for the most part. It can be okay in small doses if your perceived value is already super-high and you want to make people more comfortable with you, but most men have the opposite problem.
You definitely don’t want to make putting yourself down or making fun of yourself your main way of making women laugh.
How to be Attractive and Funny
So what should we do instead? How can we make women laugh and tick off the all-important “funny” box on what women look for in an attractive way?
The answer is to be funny while putting yourself in the “higher” social position.
That’s why the “men’s dating community” talks about “push-pull” all the time and I talk about being “Playfully Challenging.”
When you make her laugh AND put yourself in the higher position when you do = ATTRACTION.
That’s the best possible outcome you can have with a woman: she subconsciously accepts your higher social position with a smile on her beautiful face.
DUALITY FLIRTING
See, people are motivated by two main drivers: seeking PLEASURE and avoiding PAIN.
If you’re missing one of those elements, something will be missing.
If you’re all pleasure all the time, you will be considered a “nice” guy and get thrown into the solitary confinement of the friend zone.
If you’re all pain all the time, you’re a jerk and she’ll eventually get tired of you if she has average self-worth or better.
Both of these positions are insecure positions. They ignore half of reality.
However, if you mix in a little pain and pleasure together in the right amounts = attraction and love.
Secure, attractive men are equally comfortable with pleasure and pain. They can say, “No” to her and also give her a sincere compliment sometimes.
They tease her and challenge her when they make her laugh. And she LOVES him for it.
They set a high bar and challenge her UP to it when they joke with her, instead of putting her down or putting themselves down.
I like to call that (push-pull) “duality flirting.”
Think of it like a roller coaster: seemingly dangerous yet safe and fun at the same time. That’s what she wants.
For example, a classic line using this principle that tends to work VERY well is, “You’re so awesome (PLEASURE)…It’s really too bad I’m not attracted to you at all (PAIN, FEAR, SCARCITY, etc.).”
You gotta have BOTH to gain her attraction and love.
She has to be a little frustrated with you AND enjoy your company. She has to have FUN with you AND wonder if you’re going to ask her out again a little bit.
So, make her laugh, but not at your expense.
One good sign that tells you you’re doing something right is when she playfully hits your arm out of “anger” while she laughs at the same time.
I challenge you to make at least one person laugh today without putting yourself down. Then, make that your “default setting” when it comes to using humor with women.
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