I got another excellent, fun question from a top client recently…
Here’s what Eric D. asked (click here to skip to my response):
“Hi Jim,
I have been subscribed to your newsletter since late March 2019, and also purchased a couple of your excellent products…
If you don’t mind, I would like to take this opportunity to ask a smart question which requires a truly profound understanding of long-term relationships.
Here goes:
How many times do we hear how James Bond is in possession of the ultimate mixture of attractive male qualities to women? He is smart, calm, confident, quick-witted, unattainable, and the list goes on. It was even said that up to 90% of women had erotic dreams about 007.
However, if a regular guy seeks to replicate all the James Bond traits to become more attractive, we run into a problem…
One of Bond’s main traits is how laid back he always is. You never see him talk excitedly about anything, you never see him really ANIMATED. It is always the same laid back demeanor.
Yet, if the average man tried to suppress any and all overt enthusiasm he has about life, always seeking to stick with this Bond laid back demeanor, he will likely end up coming across IN-authentic, as there really is nothing natural about suppressing your natural enthusiasm about life where it exists. Whenever you do that, you instantly start becoming someone you are not…
This naturally leads to a deeper question:
Will the James Bond appeal truly work in the real world with real women?
Would women really be interested in being long term with someone who is ALWAYS laid back, who never shows any strong expressions of excitement about anything, someone who never displays animated behavior every once in a while?
Wouldn’t women eventually get tired of a man who has such a limited emotional range?
Naturally, Life always has plenty of exciting moments to offer a couple who is in a long-term relationship. Wouldn’t these moment be denied if we go 100% ‘Bond?’
What do you think? Will the James Bond appeal hold out in reality? Do we really all want to become James Bond all the way or will this ultimately get in the way of actually connecting and bonding with a woman long-term?
Back to you…
Best wishes,
Eric D.”
Here’s my response:
Would James Bond be attractive to women in REAL LIFE?
First of all, the short answer:
YES…
For the most part, the “James Bond appeal” truly works in the real world with real women…
Now, here’s the thing about this:
If a guy is pretending to be like James Bond, it doesn’t work at all…
As you alluded to in your email, this comes across as trying way too hard.
So, at a bar or a club, if a guy’s dressed in a tuxedo and trying to look super cool/tough or if he’s pretending to be laid-back when he’s actually super anxious, he will definitely have a hard time attracting women…
They’ll sense that something is off about him and it will send them running for the hills.
And, the thing about James Bond is that we never see him do mundane things like going to the bathroom or getting super excited about a football game because the whole point of the 007 movies is that he’s on a mission.
So, of course some aspects of the Bond character are unrealistic for real, everyday life.
Also, as you mentioned, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being passionate about your life, you mission, and the things you’re doing…
In fact, communicating with women in a passionate way about your life absolutely CAN be extremely attractive to women if you do it right.
As long as you realize that SHE should be sharing more things about herself with you than you share with her and you allow her to talk more than you talk and you communicate things about yourself and your life with zest at the same time, that’s a potent combination.
On the other hand, let’s look at why women would be interested in James Bond in the first place and then go through the four things that RAISE female interest to see if he has them or not:
First of all, when it comes to physical attraction at first sight, James Bond is loaded with potential…
He’s:
-Very good-looking (not within our control)…
-Extremely fit (within our control)…
-Well-dressed (within our control)…
And his body language conveys high-status (we can learn this)…
So, many women will be attracted to him when they first see him…
And then, let’s take a look at each of the four factors that RAISE female interest to see if he has them or not:
1. Internal Value…
James Bond certainly has genuine CONFIDENCE, which is a big part of internal value.
Now, when it comes to self-worth and self-esteem, he may actually have some things to work on when it comes to healing past traumas and feeling good about himself in a healthy way…
However, when he’s with a woman, she cannot change his perception of his own value as a man no matter what she says or does. <==This is the key when it comes to attracting women.
It doesn’t phase him at all when a woman says bad things about him.
And, of course, that’s extremely attractive because it demonstrates high internal value.
2. Preselection…
It’s pretty clear that he has this quality in spades…
Not only do we see him with attractive women in every movie, his BEHAVIORS also convey that he has options in terms of the women he can date…
3. Challenge…
I think we can all agree that James Bond is a challenge with women…
First of all, he’s a master of playfully challenging banter.
And, he’s almost unattainable.
A woman feels like she earned it when she “gets him.”
Now, when it comes to long-term relationships, he is actually TOO UNAVAILABLE because of his own issues…
If I was coaching him and he wanted a long-term relationship, this would be the only thing we would work on.
He has a difficult time forming these kinds of connections.
So, he would probably either break it off with a woman OR she would give up at a certain point in real life (assuming she has average self-esteem or better).
Remember: When it comes to being a CHALLENGE, the point is to attract the right woman for you; not push her away forever.
Being a challenge doesn’t mean that a woman can NEVER have you…
It just means she has to EARN it over time.
Alright, let’s move on to the last one:
4. Internal Strength…
It’s abundantly clear to me that James Bond has an extremely high-level of internal strength…
For example, he possesses both the COURAGE to take action and the SELF-CONTROL to regulate his emotions in high-pressure situations.
And, when he’s attracted to a woman, he doesn’t lose self-control and verbally confess his feelings for her.
Now, internal strength can be broken down into several parts.
However, the one I want to focus on today is SELF-CONTROL:
First of all, when you talk about James Bond, what you don’t seem to realize based on your email is that he actually does show a high-level of emotional intelligence…
Just because he’s not hyper-actively talking about himself and his life, he’s not telling women how he feels about them, and he’s not sobbing uncontrollably after bad things happen DOES NOT mean that he’s unfeeling or “emotionally unavailable…”
In fact, he often shows that he IS emotionally available and vulnerable…
For example, in this scene in Casino Royale, James Bond gets into the shower WITH HIS TUXEDO ON in order to comfort Vesper Lynd:
I don’t know about you, but I would think twice before possibly ruining such a nice tuxedo…I would probably strip down to at least boxers and a t-shirt first.
So he’s showing a high level of concern and vulnerability here.
You know, the extremely attractive kind because he’s still doing it in a very strong, masculine way. =)
The key here is that he shows his emotional side vs. telling her about it with his mouth…
And, if a woman is interested in you at least a little bit, every time you demonstrate self-control/nonreactivity, her interest in you goes UP and every time you show her that you don’t have it, it goes down.
Conclusion: Yes, James Bond would be attractive to women in real life.
And, if he dealt with a few things, he’d have no problem navigating a long-term relationship with a good woman either if that was something he desired.
Alright sir, I’ll be back with you soon…
Until Next Time,
Jim
