Most guys do okay when things are going well with a woman they like…
However, what really makes the difference when it comes to increasing a woman’s interest in you and then KEEPING a woman attracted to you is:
How you handle it when things go a little sideways…
So, in this article, we’ll talk about a few situations with women that happen to guys all the time, a good way to handle each of them, and a bad way to handle each of them so that the main concepts we’re talking about become clear and so you can start applying them immediately.
Remember: When it comes to your interactions with a woman, your reactions to her actions and reactions are what matter; not her reactions to you.
A woman can only be attracted to you and stay attracted to you if she’s reacting to you more than you’re reacting to her.
Make sense?
Excellent…
And, if not, it should become a little more clear after we see some examples.
What to do when she STOPS texting you, cancels a date, starts touching you less, starts making negative comments to you more often, or stops sleeping with you…
Listen, here’s the big key:
A woman treats you better and better as her interest in you goes UP and she stops treating you so well when her interest in you starts falling.
So, there are only TWO factors that determine how well a woman treats you and how awesome she behaves toward you and these two things determine how much you’ll enjoy being with her:
1. Her general character and attitude toward life (the way she is on her own whether you’re dating her or not).
2. How interested she is in you right now.
And that means that if you’re dating a woman or you’re married to one and she’s really an awesome person, the ONLY factor that really matters when it comes to how she treats you (how often she touches you, laughs at your worst jokes, wants to kiss you, and generally makes your life easier) is her current level of interest in you.
If you’ve read my book Attract and Keep Her, then you already know this and you already know about the “SOI Scale…”
If not, SOI stands for Strength of Interest and the SOI scale is a scale from 1-10 that allows you to gauge how much a woman likes/loves you at any given time (actually, it goes from -2 to 10 because there are also different levels of disinterest but that’s a different topic).
Here’s a short version of how the SOI scale works:
When you meet a woman, she can be open to you a little bit (SOI = 0-2), she can be a little bit intrigued by you but not blown away (SOI = 2-4), she can be interested in you (SOI = 4-6), she can be very interested in you (SOI = 6-8), or she can be in love with you at first sight (SOI = 9-10).
If her SOI is above 0 when you meet her you can raise her SOI (and if it’s 0 or below, nothing you do can ever raise it), so our mission is to RAISE her SOI until it hits 9+.
Then, if we want to keep dating her and/or marry her, we want to KEEP her SOI at 9+.
And your behavior over time is what raises, maintains, or lowers her SOI.
It usually takes about 6-10 dates/2-3 months to raise a woman’s SOI high enough and keep it high long enough for her to feel what we call “LOVE” for you.
And, when a woman’s SOI is 9 or above, that’s when she always wants to kiss you, never gets a “headache,” and tries her best to be a great woman for you (assuming you chose a woman with a good personality in the first place).
So the answer to almost any question when it comes to women is “do what increases her SOI (or maintains it at a high level).”
If you just started dating her, we have to do things that make her SOI go up…
If she’s already in love with you and you’re in a committed relationship, we have to do things that keep her SOI above 9.
Is that possible?
Definitely.
Is it easy?
Not always…
However, if you get the most important things right most of the time, that’s generally good enough.
And then, if her SOI starts falling at any point, we have to raise it again before it hits 0.
Because once her SOI hits 0 and then goes below zero, there’s NOTHING you can do to get it back. It’s gone for good…
(Btw, lots of women get and stay married with an SOI between -2 and 0, meaning that they will never actually be in love with their husbands no matter what they do; but they won’t leave until their SOI hits -3 and they’re overflowing with resentment…).
Now, there are exactly four things that raise a woman’s SOI in a man (if she’s interested in you to begin with based on looks, social status, etc. and she doesn’t already have a boyfriend or husband):
INTERNAL STRENGTH (you don’t REACT to her; you have high self-control)…
HIGH INTERNAL VALUE (you have high levels of genuine self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence)…
PRESELECTION (she thinks other women on her level want you)…
CHALLENGE (you don’t chase her like all the other guys do…so she likes you more over time instead of getting rid of you).
And her SOI goes up as you show her that you have these qualities based on how you act and how you react to various situations.
So, in this article, we’re going to look at 4 examples of how you can demonstrate INTERNAL STRENGTH and raise her SOI…
*If you prefer listening to audio, check out this presentation:
What would you do in these situations?
Situation #1
You send a woman a text and she doesn’t text you back…
Option A (avoid):
You continue to text her…and text her…and text her.
What’s wrong with this?
Well, if her SOI is already 0 or below, you’re wasting your time and crushing your own self-esteem by continuing to text a woman who isn’t interested in you. Not good.
And, if her SOI is above 0 and you keep texting her when she doesn’t respond, you will LOWER her SOI in you and eventually it will hit 0 and then you’ll never see her again.
Option B (do this instead):
You do nothing…
You continue to live your life and let her text you back if she wants.
You can send her one more text a day or two later if you want just in case something weird happened, but no more than one.
You use this as a golden opportunity to show AND build your internal strength at the same time.
Why is this better?
Because if her SOI is already 0 or below, you don’t waste your time and energy chasing a woman who isn’t interested.
And you get more self-respect and internal strength points that you can take with you when you meet the next woman you like.
And, if her SOI is above 0, when you don’t keep texting her when she doesn’t respond, it shows her that you have internal strength (and hints at high internal value – you believe she’ll text you back because you’re awesome, preselection – you could be out with other women, and challenge – you’re not going to chase her like every other guy she eventually gets tired of), so her SOI goes UP by the time she texts you back.
Situation #2
She agreed to a date and you got excited…then, she texts you 3 hours to 30 minutes before and cancels on you.
This situation happens all the time…
Option A (avoid):
You get PISSED, show her how upset you are, and/or beg her to meet up with you another time:
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me…can you meet me in like an hour? Or, can you meet me on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday instead?”
What’s wrong with this?
You’re REACTING to her…
Even if you feel extremely upset, don’t show a woman that she got to you. She already knows…and it lowers her SOI when you react.
Also, you’re showing her that you’re way too available (the opposite of CHALLENGE).
Her SOI will plummet if you react this way (assuming it’s above 0 to begin with – yes, some women will agree to a date even if they’re not interested).
Option B (do this instead):
Her Text: “Hey, I’m not going to make it tonight after all…Sorry!”
Your Text: “Okay cool.”
OR: “I was looking forward to seeing you but I’m actually a little bit relieved. I was invited to a friend’s party tonight and felt bad that I couldn’t go. I think I’ll head over there now, so no worries at all. cheers”
OR: “No worries…my friend invited me over to watch Moana so I think I’ll head over there now.” <==This is a powerful one because it implies PRESELECTION.
Notice how you don’t say, “Another girl invited me over,” or “My friend Amanda invited me over…” You just say that a friend invited you over…
You imply that it was a woman by the title of the movie.
When it comes to preselection, you want to imply it instead of being direct. Let her wonder if you’re going to hang out with another girl or not. We’re talking to her subconscious mind here, not her pre-frontal cortex. =)
Now, this might be considered “playing games” a little bit…but, hey, if she cancels a date on you it’s completely fair for you to play back a little bit if you want.
Don’t overdo stuff like this because then it won’t work but a little tactic like this every once in a while can be extremely effective.
Then, after you send this one text, DO NOT call/text her/ask her out again until she texts you again…
Her two days later: “Hey…haven’t heard from you in a while, what’s up??!! =)”
You: “Oh hey, how’s it going?”
Her: “Good, thanks! So…I was thinking…we should meet up soon. Sorry I had an emergency come up the other day.”
You: “Why don’t we grab a drink on Thursday? I’m going to Wine Bar X at 6; you should meet me there”
Etc…
And if she doesn’t ever text you again, delete her number and move on.
Why is this better?
Well, if her SOI is 0 or below, you can’t raise it anyway, so you save your time and energy for women who ARE interested in you.
You just let her go and move on to the next potential “soul mate.”
And, if her SOI is above 0 and you respond this way instead of REACTING like we did in Option A, her SOI will go UP (sometimes way up) because you’re demonstrating internal strength.
Situation #3
She used to touch you a lot, say nice things to you, and laugh at your bad jokes…Now, she doesn’t touch you very often, she says little negative things to you more often, and your jokes seem to annoy her.
This means that her SOI is falling and you’re in danger of it hitting 0 any time (if it hasn’t hit 0 already).
Option A (avoid):
You get resentful, start fighting with her, insulting her back, etc.
Or, you get upset and start begging her to treat you better.
Or, you get upset and start trying to control her.
Or, you ask her to go to therapy or couples therapy.
What’s wrong with this option?
None of these things raise her SOI…and they generally lower it even more.
Option B (do this instead):
Assuming she doesn’t just have a bad attitude in general, you have to raise her SOI back up if it’s still above 0.
How?
You back off a little bit, give her some space, and let her come back to you. Stop worrying about whether or not she’ll leave you and just be present with her.
Go out and do some things you really want to do that you’ve been putting off and find a way to get your mind and emotions at least somewhat handled. Take GREAT care of yourself.
And, start dating her again if you’re not still doing that (if she agrees to go out with you).
You should take your girlfriend or wife out at least once every week or two and HAVE FUN – no talking about your horrible boss, the bills, the kids, etc. – if you want to maintain her SOI at a high level.
Focus on enjoying spending time with her and put absolutely NO pressure on her.
Then, figure out what you did to lower her SOI so you don’t repeat those mistakes.
And, in the mean time, show her that you have internal strength by NOT REACTING to her little negative comments, etc. so you can start raising her SOI right away.
This process takes longer the longer you’ve been with her.
Why is this better?
If her SOI is already 0, there’s nothing you can do anyway…
However, if her SOI is above 0, backing off and letting her come to you and having FUN with her without any pressure will start to raise her SOI again.
Situation #4
She stops sleeping with you.
We’re in serious trouble if things get to this point, assuming you’re in a long-term relationship with her.
When a woman has SOI 9+, she (pretty much) always wants to kiss you. That’s one of the strongest indicators of high interest.
So, when she rarely wants to kiss you or sleep with you, it means her SOI has taken a nose dive.
Option A (avoid):
You pressure her into kissing you/sleeping with you.
Why is this bad?
Doing this will cause her SOI to drop below 0 faster than you can say, “But you’re my gf/wife…you have to!” (assuming her SOI is still above 0 at this point).
And, it causes two of the biggest relationship killers to grow rapidly inside her mind: resentment and contempt.
Option B (do this instead):
Hopefully it never gets to this point for you, but if it does, we have to make a more extreme plan to raise her SOI again:
You make a commitment to yourself that you won’t try to sleep with her for 2 months…that way, she won’t feel any PRESSURE from you and it will be her idea if you sleep with her during that time (that’s what we want).
Then, you take her out once a week or so and just have a fun time with her (if she’ll agree to it).
You treat her as if you just met her and you just started dating her.
You don’t make any ultimatums and you don’t argue with her.
You don’t REACT to the situation…
You RESPOND by letting her go and controlling yourself instead of trying to control her.
Then, you figure out what you did to lower her SOI so you don’t make those mistakes again.
(Or, you figure out that she just has a bad attitude in general and make a commitment to yourself to choose a better woman for you next time. Then, you break up with her or divorce her).
Why is this better?
Because it’s the only thing that CAN possibly work, assuming her SOI isn’t already 0 or below.
If letting her come back to you doesn’t work, there was nothing you could do anyway.
Remember: INTERNAL STRENGTH can be improved, just like physical strength.
So, I highly encourage you to work on building your “NON-REACTIVITY MUSCLE”
How?
By practicing not reacting to things that happen around you.
For example, when you get a text from someone, wait for a minute or two before you check it.
Do anything you can to slow yourself down so that you’re RESPONDING to the world instead of reacting to it.
Another thing you can do is to get rid of things you don’t need. That can help you build internal strength A LOT because we all fear losing things more than we desire gaining things.
Now, because internal strength is 1/4 of what makes women like you more, you can succeed with women by either:
1. Actually not caring at all (she interprets this as internal strength).
This is how you probably feel about women you’re not interested in…which is why they like you so much. =)
2. Caring as much as you want and still not reacting to her.
In other words, you’re consistent regardless of what she does.
For example, you wait several days to ask her out again after a date whether she texts you once or 3,000 times in-between…
Or, if she doesn’t text you back, you don’t text her again no matter how much you like her.
Here’s the question: Can you control yourself when you’re dating a woman you’re very interested in?
Will you react or respond when things don’t go your way?
Will you stay on your path or can she knock you off of it?
That’s what she wants to know.
INTERNAL STRENGTH is extremely rare; and that’s one of the reasons it’s so incredibly attractive.
Remember: Patience might taste bitter at first, but its fruit is incredibly delicious.
And it also happens to be the biggest key to women (assuming you choose to date the right ones for you).
Good luck out there sir…
Cheers,
Jim
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Attract Women Without Words – Brad Pitt’s Body Language Secrets
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